Let’s talk…

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has left sweet comments on every single post, despite my long absence and general neglect. Thank you so much for keeping up with me and I promise I won’t ever leave you for good. I just need my breaks sometimes.

I’ll need more breaks in the future, I’m sure of that. Things are not always easy, especially for someone who has to live with mental illness. Blogging (among other things) has been giving me anxiety lately, so I’ve been doing what feels right for me and staying away from it. I’ve told you this before so, no news there.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety over a few other things too. The fact that I depend on some people right now, makes me feel like I’m really failing at life and ruining theirs. If it weren’t for me, some people would be better. I’m not saying this in a suicidal thinking way. Not at all. I’m being literal. If I didn’t have this problem, my family and friends would be better off. It’s very hard to deal with someone who is really sick, because that’s what I am. For those who don’t believe in mental illness or don’t feel like it should be considered as such, I’m sorry but you are ignorant, misinformed and you should be ashamed of yourself. I recommend some reading on the subject, for those who might care. For those you don’t care about being ignorant and discriminating people who suffer from mental illness, well, all advice I can give is “Go fuck yourself and I hope you or a family member never have to deal with such health issues”.

Because I know the majority of my readers are not like that at all, I apologize for my words, but I needed to get them off my chest. Because I know you care, I’ll continue to explain what’s been happening to me.

Firstly, there’s the physical issues that come with mental illness and that I obviously endure from time to time. I understand them and I’ve learned to accept them, but they get in the way. Imagine what is like when you can’t work, so you can’t help financially and you can’t take care of what you’re supposed to do around the house, because you feel pain (yes, depression gives you general body pain) and exhaustion like you’ve never felt before. This is when people generally think their friend or loved one is lazy or is trying to get rid of laundry. Sometimes that can be true, but if they really suffer from depression, they’re most likely not faking it. So, you can’t pay for things and you can’t do the majority of the work around the house. You begin to feel useless. That’s the first feeling that overcomes you and me.

I’ve been trying to be positive and I think I’m becoming better at that. But there’s always a little voice bugging me and telling me what a burden I am. It hurts to think of yourself like that. But you can’t let it define you. People have needed you and they might need you again in the future. Now it’s just your turn to be taken care of. That’s what we need to keep in mind.

And now, I’ll tell you how I’ve been dealing with these difficult stage:

  • I’m trying to find a small way to contribute financially. I’m waiting for an answer on that job proposal, which my psychiatrist approves because it’s only 13 hours a week. And I’m signing up for online freelance work. (Nothing to do with the blog). I’m currently negotiating with two people from two different projects that I can easily work on at home.
  • When it comes to housework, I try the “bit by bit + sit method”, which I’ve just made up. I unload the dishwasher and feel exhausted, so I sit down. When I feel better, I hang the laundry, and then I sit down. I clean the bathroom and take a cat nap. That’s how I have (not) been managing. It’s as much as I can do right now. I’m really sorry about that but the strength is not in me. I wish it could be like a Sims game, where you can see your Sim’s energy level. Then people would be able to see how bad I actually feel and understand.
  • If I don’t feel like doing something, I just don’t. (That’s what’s been happening with blogging). This might be controversial, because doctors say you shouldn’t be in bed, depressed, all they long, but I disagree. You can spend your day in bed as long as:

 

  1. It’s not every day; You can take one day or two if you’re feeling really bad, but not a week.
  2. You get up, get cleaned up and out of pajamas (wear something comfy but not pajamas), eat well, and make your bed. This way it doesn’t seem like you never got out of bed, it seems like you’re just chilling in bed, doing something.
  3. Do something that you either love or that is useful. Read, watch movies, documentaries (my thing lately), educational videos, crochet, color or listen to music. You can even blog, just don’t caught up and spend the whole day pasturing around social media or Buzzfeed.
  4. Get up from time to time and do something small.
  5. Just because you’re having a rest day, it doesn’t mean you can eat bad food. No. You’re allowed to rest, not to indulge.
  6. Let people know you are in one of those days. If they don’t understand, that’s their problem. But you should be able to say to a family member or friend that you are having a really bad day, maybe you’re too tired or in pain.

 

Keep in mind that tomorrow will be a new day. It always is. No matter how bad today was, you have a new chance to start over every single day. How lucky are we to have that option? Just take every day as you go, according to your energy levels and mental ability. That’s the best (and maybe only) thing you can do right now, which is taking good care of yourself.

On another note, I’ve been doing something that I think is helping. When I go to bed, I use spotify on my phone (with earplugs and in the dark) to listen to relaxing soft jazz music, relaxing piano tunes, white noise (for me heavy rain or a fireplace cracking are the ones that work best), or guided meditation. I have to admit I’m not a big fan of the latter. The talking distracts me. I focus way better with soft music. I eventually feel very sleepy and relaxed and I put the phone down and sleep.

I really hope that this post is good enough to tell you how I’ve been feeling and to explain my absence, but that it is also helpful and that my experience and tips might help your or someone you know, in the same situation.

Please tell me if you like this post and if you would like to read more about this topic. How I deal with my down moments and symptoms, and how I cope in general. If it’s boring and depressing, just be honest, we’re friends.

Thank you so much for reading.

Cheila.

P.S. Don’t worry, the lists, and fun random posts and videos will come back as soon as I’m well enough to make them ❤

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51 thoughts on “Let’s talk…

  1. Cherylene says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a challenging time. I am glad however, that you recognise your limits and rest when you need to. You have been missed and it always good to see your post. Best wishes.

    Like

  2. AdilaMKarol says:

    Go for it, Cheila! Do every bit you can to overcome your illness and there is always a NEW tomorrow like you said. Hoping to see you get well soon!
    I’m missing your long to-do lists:’)
    ❤️

    Like

  3. mainepaperpusher says:

    I think I know how you feel. When I was diagnosed with epilepsy 3 1/2 years ago my whole world fell apart. I couldn’t work, drive, take care of the house…the list went on and on. The meds made me tipsy and dizzy. I fell into a deep depression. I didn’t leave my bed for longer than 2 o3 hours and then back again. I just couldn’t deal with anything. I did an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) in lieu of being hospitalized. I don’t know if you have something like that or not. It was helpful.

    Recently my seizures have gotten worse and so has the depression. I think I have a pretty good idea of your state of mind. It sucks to be down in that hole without a ladder. I am here if you ever need to talk about anything. My email is mainepaperpusher@yahoo.com and if you need someone who understands (at least I think I do) then I am here for you. I am sending hugs and light. It’s so very dark, but there is light out there somewhere. We just need to work very hard to find it.

    Like

  4. travelnerdplans says:

    So sorry you have been dealing with extra anxiety lately. 😦 But it is so good that you are taking care of yourself and your needs. And just know that the little voice that tells you that you are a burden is a big fat liar! Just keep shutting it down.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Margaret from soulfood101blog says:

    Oh dear heart, I started reading this and had to walk away. It broke my heart, and dredges up so many emotions. I came back finished reading and it was uplifting. People who love you will understand, and if they don’t well, then they just don’t. You can’t help that, just like you can’t help what you are going through. You are doing good all things considered. Do what you can and the rest will be there when you get to it. If someone hasn’t been through it, it’s hard to understand that it’s not just being sad, or pull yourself out of it. There’s the exhaustion, headaches, vertigo, nausea, feeling like your crazy, feelings of worthlessness, and this is just to name a few. But in it all, here you are, still helping others with this post. It’s a good thing, Cheila. You don’t know who you might have helped with this post. Someone out there who now knows, they are not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Cheila says:

      Thank you for such a sweet comment, Margaret. I feel like I need to share my struggles both as a way to find some peace and to let people in the same situation know they’re not alone. There’s so many of us. I also feel the need to share every little thing that has helped me, as it might be helpful to others. Thank you so much for your support, as always. You’re my angel ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. lifeisaseasyas says:

    I think that you are a very strong women, Chey. You have come in leaps and bounds after what you’ve been through. You need to take things slow and start slowly going into things, this post has meant a lot to me and I’m sure others to. It just shows what a strong, independent women you are. I recently have not been very well and I am still recovering and this post has helped me loads, in knowing that to take time off is ok. I haven’t blogged for 2 weeks now and I have no old posts to reblog, but now I understand that it is ok. I need to take this time off and I will hopefully be blogging soon. I’ve got some pretty big things coming up and I will be back blogging soon. Thank you so much for this post, it has helped me loads…. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • Cheila says:

      Thank you so much, my dear. I’m so glad you could relate to my post and that I was able to help. Taking a break is normal and necessary. Even I, self-proclaimed blogging addicted and someone who blogs more than once a day, need a break and can feel overwhelmed and tired. When you don’t feel like blogging just get away. Do other things. It’s not the end of the world and it’s better for your sanity. No stressing about not posting. Think you’re taking a deserved break. Much love. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      • lifeisaseasyas says:

        Thank you. Yes, this break has helped a lot to refresh and clear my head. I may do a short post now but a longer post will definitely be coming some time this week ❤️❤️

        Like

  7. iwannabealady says:

    Hey girl, it’s good to hear you being honest about your struggles. More people than you know have gone through or are going through what you’re dealing with. I know that your suggestions will be very comforting on someone’s ears. The freelance work sounds interesting and right up your alley.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. myhearinglossstory says:

    Hello Cheila. First of all, I’m sending you a hug.
    Secondly, i wanted to tell you I have some experience of mental health issues. My mum, grandad, and auntie all suffer from depression, and it is very much real, and very powerful. I have also seen these family members have many good days – I hope this can give you some comfort…
    I think, if you feel that writing about your health issues and also about tips etc, is helpful to yourself, then do it! I am very sure you will be helping other people who are in similar situations. Its comforting for those people to know they are not alone. Your advice may also provide some support for others. I am always amazed at how much you write, so don’t put yourself down about not being able to do much etc. around the house. Even just the amount of writing you do is something to be proud of. Although i found it upsetting to think of you going through this, I also found a little comfort. Since losing my hearing I have also struggled with energy levels (the pressure in my ears is painful, and the tinnitus is draining…and then trying to focus on conversations is exhausting)…But I, like you, look the same as I always have done. We have invisible illnesses and I do think it’s good to write about them, even if it is to be an advocate for ourselves (and perhaps even others who are going through similar things).
    Stay strong my love.
    I will look forward to seeing some lists on your blog when you’re feeling a bit better 🙂
    Carly

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cheila says:

      Dear Carly, I cannot tell you how much comfort and joy this comment has brought to me. Thank you so much for you encouragement and support and love. I wish nothing but the same for you. Where both strong women, we’ll be fine. Even if nobody else can understand how sick we are, we know. We know there’s someone out there who understands and that is a lovely feeling, to feel company in such a lonely place. Thank so much for your comment, you’re a really good friend and I have nothing but love for you. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. frugaldod says:

    Mental illness is definitely tough on everyone. I grew up with a family member that suffered from clinical depression that something as simple as a small amount of caffeine could cause her an anxiety attack. It affected everyone in the family. Praying for you with everything that you have going on. Always a pleasure to have the opportunity to read what you have written. 😀

    Like

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