Hello dear friends,
First of all, I would like to thank you all for taking the time to send well wishes and hugs and prayers in my moment of sickness. My gastritis is still on fire, but a little better. My headache is gone, so I have that to comfort me.
Today I come to you with news. Big news.
Yesterday I had a really bad day. I was sick and my anxiety was through the roof. I had some issue with some friends (which is now solved and I’m stupid) and I had the biggest anxiety attack I had ever had in my life, because of an argument. I’m at a point where I can’t react normally to the smallest things. My nerves are on edge, I’m extremely sensitive (I cry about literally anything) and my anxiety is uncontrollable. I feel sad and cry just about every day. Then, I have a few good days and I think I’m finally well but it all comes back in a short amount of time. Things are not looking good, medication is obviously not enough. I need to stop and take care of myself, otherwise I will be posting from a hospital bed very soon.
My boyfriend and I, along the help of some friends and the opinions of some family members and people who love me, decided that I will stop working for now. I’ve been working and studying and battling depression non-stop for many years and I’m exhausted. This is the last thing I wanted but I got to the point where I have no choice. This is the best for me, for Rui and for our family. Sometimes you need to take a step back in order to take two steps forward. That is what I’m doing.
So, what is the plan?
First I will stop renting my office. I pay a huge rent every month and I am not working enough to justify that expense. For the last couple of months, I don’t think I even made enough to cover the rent, simply because I have been unable to work and spent more days at home than at the office.
I will tell my students that they need to look for another teacher, unless they want to wait a month or two, which I doubt. Also, I don’t want to give myself a deadline, I will only go back when I feel well enough to do so.
What am I going to be doing with my time?
- Going to my doctor’s appointments and keep taking my medication at regular hours;
- Improve my diet, work on eating at the right hours and the right foods, something I haven’t done in years. I need to get on a habit of eating well and putting nutrients into my body.
- Exercise. I have been sitting at a desk for twelve hours or more for many years too. I will go swimming, do yoga and probably try something new.
- I will spend the day at my mother’s house, a few times a week. We live in a very isolated place, so weeks go by with me staying home and seeing no one but Rui and the god. My friends and family live 45 minutes away, I have no car and no buses near my house. I’m completely isolated. Coming to my mother’s house, I will spend time with her and my sister and I will be able to see friends, since I’m in the city.
- I will read.
- I will get in a good sleeping routine.
- I will keep blogging.
- I will rest and relax in general and focus only on myself and getting better, which I haven’t done in a long time and doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m good at taking care of other people, I’m always worried about my friends and family members but I’m very mean and negligent towards myself.
This is not an easy decision for me, as I have always worked. Sometimes I even had more than one job. Now my job will be me. Taking care of me. Doing fun stuff, to get my spirits up. It’s not normal for me, but I will give it a try. Hopefully I will get better, Mr. R is going to be less burdened and worried and we will both feel better and move in the right direction.
After much thought and even a little prayer, this is going to be my life in the next few weeks. You guys will follow my daily life and hopefully my improvements.
Thank you so much for being with me no matter what.