Brighter days will come!

Today was hard. Here I am, stuffing my face with cereal while I tell you all about it. I usually describe my depression and anxiety as going through your daily life carrying a huge backpack full of rocks, while other people don’t have to. Today, besides the backpack I also felt like I had huge balls and chains tied to both my hands and feet. There’s always the part where I also felt like a piano had fallen on my head. Is this description good enough for you? Can anyone relate? I’m sure some of you can. I know I’m not alone in this and that many people suffer from this crippling and devastating and cruel disease.

As you know, today was my first day back at work and it didn’t start well. I woke up feeling like I didn’t want to go at all. I worked really hard to get myself together and get out of the house and get there. Once there, things were not great at all. I spent all day feeling trapped inside the office, anxious, almost claustrophobic. I couldn’t focus on work and my memory and ability to think were useless. Students were noticing too. Everyone said I did look sick. I kept blaming my cold. That wasn’t enough for some people, who asked what was wrong with me that made me be away for so long. I think it’s because I teach private classes to adults. One on one. People talk to me and they feel like they’re close enough to ask, it’s not their fault. To some of them, I told the truth.

Working is really hard for me right now, more than I remembered. I take way too much medication and feel extremely tired all the time. Some people say I should just come home, that I’m not doing anyone any favors by trying and forcing myself to work while I take 8 pills a day and have the energy of a dead battery and the mind of a senile fish.I don’t know what I’m going to do. Keep pushing or just stop until I get better? I have no idea. I’ve been pushing for a long time and it was bearable. Maybe that’s what put me in this situation in the first place. Working too hard, pushing too hard, until I had nothing left to give. I’m so drained. But I can’t stop thinking about work. And school? My last semester just started. What do I do about that? I don’t even know what to say about anything right now. Everything is so hard. I wish I had someone decide my life for me, it’s so tiring to think about it all, especially now that my brain is only working part-time. But I need to make a decision. For once, I need to think about myself first. I need to find the strength to fight this once and for all. Obviously, I have a lot of thinking to do.

I’m sorry if my last posts have been a little on the sad side. I just need to talk about it and this blog and you guys help me so much. I promise I will come up with something nice or funny to write about. Thank you for always “listening”.

At least the cereal were good.

Hugs.

Cheila

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42 thoughts on “Brighter days will come!

  1. Alyssa Flanagan says:

    Hang in there! I can relate to just feeling like the world is against you! Things will get better! 🙂 I think you would enjoy reading my blog! I have some uplifting stories on there. I noticed that you followed my old blog, but I have been relocated to alyssaflanagan.com! I hope that you will check it out, and subscribe to my new blog! Keep your chin up 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. soulfood101blog says:

    I’m sorry the day was so rough. Been there, done that. I can only offer that it got better for me so I am praying that same blessing for you. At the time, it seemed never ending, like the good would never happen. Don’t apologize for what you have been writing. It’s what you feel, it’s your blog, write about you. At least everyone out here knows what to pray for and can send you love, support, and positive energy. 🙂 God bless you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Shweta Suresh says:

    I’m sorry about what you are going through. Be strong and don’t lose hope! You don’t have to apologise for what you are writing. Please don’t feel the need to write to please your readers. Follow your heart and write about whatever you feel like writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Felicia Denise says:

    Been down that path far too many times and can relate to the struggle. Wish there were some quick tips and words to pass on.

    But, I can tell you one thing. After writing this, you found something good in the time you spent doing it – the cereal.

    Do that with life. One day at a time, one class or one student…one moment.

    Sometimes it’s the totality of life that wears us down and keeps us there. Give yourself a break! 😉👍

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Intentergy says:

    Cheila, I know you’re load is heavy right now, but I would like to recommend Cami Walker’s book 29 Gifts. It may be a helpful story to inspire you as you grow stronger and happier each day. Thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. madkatter13 says:

    I meant to write earlier but I have been struck by a stomach bug :(.

    I’m sorry your first day didn’t go well. It takes great strength to push through a day like that. I can’t imagine how you felt inside but hang in there lovely! Take some time to reflect and pick the perfect path for YOU! It’s hard to do, well for me it is – I feel almost wrong or selfish to focus less on others – if that makes sense?? But we must and is key to healing.

    Hang in there **hugs**

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cheila says:

      Thank you s much for this comment. I have the same problem. I cannot focus on myself without feeling bad and without feeling selfish. But then, how am I supposed to take care of myself? It’s a weird feeling. I’m sorry you have a stomach bug. Those are the worst. I hope you feel better soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Alissa Ackerman says:

    Hi Cheila! I am piecing together a blog series on color psychology, revolving around fashion. You’re such a beautifully deep person, so i’d love to know your personal thoughts on how various colors make you feel. If you have a moment, any input is extremely appreciated! 😊
    Here’s the interactive post:
    http://wp.me/s6Ydwk-812

    Liked by 1 person

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