Today was hard. Here I am, stuffing my face with cereal while I tell you all about it. I usually describe my depression and anxiety as going through your daily life carrying a huge backpack full of rocks, while other people don’t have to. Today, besides the backpack I also felt like I had huge balls and chains tied to both my hands and feet. There’s always the part where I also felt like a piano had fallen on my head. Is this description good enough for you? Can anyone relate? I’m sure some of you can. I know I’m not alone in this and that many people suffer from this crippling and devastating and cruel disease.
As you know, today was my first day back at work and it didn’t start well. I woke up feeling like I didn’t want to go at all. I worked really hard to get myself together and get out of the house and get there. Once there, things were not great at all. I spent all day feeling trapped inside the office, anxious, almost claustrophobic. I couldn’t focus on work and my memory and ability to think were useless. Students were noticing too. Everyone said I did look sick. I kept blaming my cold. That wasn’t enough for some people, who asked what was wrong with me that made me be away for so long. I think it’s because I teach private classes to adults. One on one. People talk to me and they feel like they’re close enough to ask, it’s not their fault. To some of them, I told the truth.
Working is really hard for me right now, more than I remembered. I take way too much medication and feel extremely tired all the time. Some people say I should just come home, that I’m not doing anyone any favors by trying and forcing myself to work while I take 8 pills a day and have the energy of a dead battery and the mind of a senile fish.I don’t know what I’m going to do. Keep pushing or just stop until I get better? I have no idea. I’ve been pushing for a long time and it was bearable. Maybe that’s what put me in this situation in the first place. Working too hard, pushing too hard, until I had nothing left to give. I’m so drained. But I can’t stop thinking about work. And school? My last semester just started. What do I do about that? I don’t even know what to say about anything right now. Everything is so hard. I wish I had someone decide my life for me, it’s so tiring to think about it all, especially now that my brain is only working part-time. But I need to make a decision. For once, I need to think about myself first. I need to find the strength to fight this once and for all. Obviously, I have a lot of thinking to do.
I’m sorry if my last posts have been a little on the sad side. I just need to talk about it and this blog and you guys help me so much. I promise I will come up with something nice or funny to write about. Thank you for always “listening”.
At least the cereal were good.