Maybe I spoke too soon?

Don’t worry, my friends, I’m still okay and feeling better. I just didn’t have the best of nights, comparing to the day I had. I feel like I disappoint you for feeling bad about something again, after such a positive post. But you know I’m always honest you with and tell you things like they are.

I’ve been having the worst dreams you can possibly imagine. Really bad nightmares. You know my grandmother is completely senile, most of her brain cells are dead. My grandfather was senile too, before he passed, six years ago. I keep dreaming that my grandmother is going to die, that my grandfather is alive, that they are both senile and I’m the one who needs to take care of them, I keep dreaming that my grandmother is dead and my grandfather is actually alive. All sorts of scary things related to them, and death.

And the problem is, I feel like my grandmother is not going to be here for long. I keep waiting to get the call. (I’m sorry for saying this my dear sister, I know this breaks your heart but I need to take this out of my chest). This has been going on for weeks and I haven’t talked to anyone about it, not even my mom, not even Rui. But last night was so bad, so tiring and it made me so desperate and scared that I could not sleep and rest. So I stayed home today. Because I’m feeling so down because of those nightmares. They’re all I can think about.  Also my back hurts like hell, my yoga is either very good or I hurt myself, but that’s a different story.

I’m sorry to bring you such a negative “scared little girl” post, but I can’ t hide anything from you. I could never write a very nice, happy post and feel the opposite way. I respect you too much for that. But I feel bad to write a negative post after you being so happy for me yesterday and wishing a good week. I feel like I’m failing you.

But I’m better. That part is still true and I feel much better during the day. Nights are my problem. But I will be okay. I am okay.

I love you guys so much for “listening”. You know I’m here for you if you ever need me.

Sending love and tight hugs to all my dear readers/friends.

I promise I will post something funny today to lighten the mood.

xo

 

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31 thoughts on “Maybe I spoke too soon?

  1. Invisibly Me says:

    I don’t think you should ever apology for a less than positive post; you’re being honest, and it’s something others can relate to. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. It sounds like your worries about her have crept in your dreams and turned them in to such horrible nightmares. Perhaps talking about it, getting your worry and sadness of the possibility “out there” will help, at least with clearing the nightmares. Sending a hug and hoping you have a better night tonight.
    Caz x

    invisiblyme.com

    Liked by 2 people

  2. mommytrainingwheels says:

    Don’t apologize for a more negative post! The whole point of a blog is to be able to share our “états d’âme” to connect with others and find support. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been haunted by nightmares. It’s hard having someone close to you suffering from dementia. Hugs from afar, take care. xox

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oriana says:

    Don’t feel bad because you feel bad, even in “”normal”” conditions you can’t always be happy ! If you need to say that you’re having the worst day of your life say it, your blog is your own space 🙂
    My grand mother suffered from brain damage too, and she knew who me and my brother were, but she could not remember our father, her son, it was really weird and sad. I’m sorry you have to go though this, it is hard.
    Take care, and don’t hesitate to express yourself when needed ! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. transcribingmemory says:

    Never feel bad for feeling how you feel. In sharing this post, you reached out to me because I can relate in a lot of ways to what you wrote here. I read a few posts and your about page, which I really loved but there was no like or comment button, so I’m saying it here. Thank you for showing an interest in my blog because I look forward to following yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jim says:

    my mother died a couple years ago and I had this overwhelming feeling that something was up before she died. so I think that there could be a part of our intuitive side that lets us know something is wrong or could be wrong. my Mother had dementia and suffered from that before having a couple strokes. I get your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Anindya says:

    It’s absolutely ok to say the truth. ….and the next best thing to do is just shut off the negative dreams from the mind. ..and think and imagine only good happy things about your happy times with everyone. ..and see the happy times for the future. ..our minds are in our control. …think happy things for your grandma’s well being. …everything will be alright. …

    Liked by 1 person

  7. lifeisaseasyas says:

    Hi, there is no need to apologize! I understand what your going through and its hard, negative dreams are someone everyone goes through sometime during their life. I had negative dreams once and I found these tips helped-
    Surround yourself with things to do so you go to sleep easier, exersise and work makes your body more tired
    Use candles and soothing gels to help go to bed
    Read a book before bed
    Take a break and switch off all electronics 15 minutes before bed
    Relax! They will go away! Trust me!

    I really hope they stop and you get back to your normal self! It’s hard when the ones we love suffer or you suffer gecyaws of bad dreams if loved ones,
    X

    Liked by 1 person

  8. ignitedmoth says:

    Aw, don’t ever feel bad about posting about the tough times as well as the good ones. This is your blog and it’s here for you to say whatever it is you need or want to say. People can’t be positive all the time, so don’t feel like we expect you to be. 🙂
    Those dreams sound absolutely terrible. I’m so sorry you keep having them. Dreams can be so cruel sometimes. 😦 I hope they ease up soon. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Cherylene says:

    I am sorry to hear about your nightmares. I think however, that it was good that you choose to write about it to give your mind an ease. These things can eat you up. Maybe you should go see her if you could. Talk to her and give her a big hug. No matter what happens let her know you love her. Just a thought. Have a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

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