Confessions

Hello dear friends,

I have some confessions to make, things that live in my mind and that you might like to know, in order to get to know me better. Some are fun, some are sad, but they all come from this crazy mind of mine. There you go:

• I always get in the shower promising myself that I will put on moisturizer after I finish showering but I never do. I mean, of course I put on moisturizer. Once a month?

• There are days when I don’t drink any water. I completely forgot. Healthy, right?

• I have been known to forget my students. More than once someone has called me or showed up at my office when I wasn’t there, or when I was there, teaching someone else. Sometimes I forget their names too. They seem to like me anyway, as they bring me gifts all the time and are usually super nice.

• When I look myself in the mirror, I hate myself. I think “oh my, you have completely let yourself go. You’re fat and squishy and you have so many stretch marks that your body resembles a road map”

• I envy people who have nice, long fingernails, with a perfect manicure. I eat mine for lunch. I wish I could look that put together.

• I hate Cristiano Ronaldo.

• I always think that my all my friends love each other more than they love me. I have had the same thought for eight years.

• Sometimes I accidentally kick or punch my dog and I feel really guilty but then she licks me like “it’s okay mom”.

• I’m ashamed to eat in public. If I eat a salad, people might thing “Oh, look at that little fat girl, at least she’s trying” and if I eat a pizza they might think “Look at that fat pig, stuffing herself”

• Sometimes I ignore people’s calls on purpose. Just because I don’t feel like talking at that moment.

• I’m finishing my degree just to finish my degree. My dream has always been and will always be to be a doctor. Can I live without pursuing that dream? I don’t think so. What am I going to do? I wish I knew.

• I hate when people touch my food. Unless I offer.

• I have had my heart broken real bad. It still hurts after seven years.

• I miss all the people I used to be friends with but am no longer in touch. For me, people don’t just stop being my friends. Even if they disappear from my life. I wish I could get them all back.

• When I go to the pharmacy for my prescriptions I feel ashamed to be buying 8 different depression related pills.

• When I ride a bus, I never sit because I’m afraid to take too much space. I know I’m not THAT fat but I don’t want to touch people or bother them.

• I’m afraid to change in front of Rui. I do it out of habit but I’m afraid he might find me disgusting because I’m so different from how I was when we first started dating.

• I think my friends think I’m a little crazy, should not take so many pills and that they don’t understand my depression at all. I think that they believe I could do something about it if I tried really hard. Please tell them I can’t?

• I could never buy condoms if I had to. I would die of shame. I am ashamed to buy tampons or pads if the register person is a man.

• I’ve only farted in front of my boyfriend after 4 years. So… this month. I’m so disappointed. I thought I was a lady and only farted in front of my sister and dog.

• I really want to be a mother. If it was for me I would be pregnant right now. But we don’t have the ideal financial situation (at all), my health is a mess and I cannot start a pregnancy 30 kg overweight.

• I wish I had the energy I had when I was younger, just a few years back. At one point I was a tutor, taught Literature at a senior citizen university, worked at H&M, was at school, was a baby-sitter for 2 or 3 hours from Monday – Friday and did freelance translations. Now I have work and university and my house and all seems too much. Back then, whatever came up, I would do it. I was involved in a million projects.

• Blogging has filled a whole in my life that I had for a long time. I always felt something was missing and blogging has taken that feeling away. It’s one of the most important things in my life right now and I take it very seriously.

• I want another dog. Or a cat. Or guinea pigs. But ideally a dog to keep Rosa company. Again, we don’t have the money or the ideal situation for that.

• I feel that, in life, I always get the short end of the stick. Since I was a child. I never get what I want, life always kicks my but.

• I envy those 25-year-old married women, mothers of five. I know people judge them, but I admire them. I’ve always wanted to be a young mom of many. And to get married young.

• I hate Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Flies, every Lord.

• I had 5 years of French. Can I speak? Baguette.

• I’m more afraid of the gynecologist than the dentist. It freaks me out.

• I would like to be a stay-at-home mom and home-school but people don’t do that in my country/culture. They would say I don’t want to work and would call me weird for keeping my kids away from school or regular education. Come on, I teach other people’s kids…

• I’m afraid of so many things but I’m deeply afraid of death, tragedies, criticism and failure.

• I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be at 25. I feel guilty for that.

 

And I guess that’s it for today, my dear friends. Get to know a little of my mind and heart. Would you like to confess something?

Love you all. xo