Confessions

Hello dear friends,

I have some confessions to make, things that live in my mind and that you might like to know, in order to get to know me better. Some are fun, some are sad, but they all come from this crazy mind of mine. There you go:

  • I always get in the shower promising myself that I will put on moisturizer after I finish showering but I never do. I mean, of course I put on moisturizer. Once a month?
  • There are days when I don’t drink any water. I completely forgot. Healthy, right?
  • I have been known to forget my students. More than once someone has called me or showed up at my office when I wasn’t there, or when I was there, teaching someone else. Sometimes I forget their names too. They seem to like me anyway, as they bring me gifts all the time and are usually super nice.
  • When I look myself in the mirror, I hate myself. I think “oh my, you have completely let yourself go. You’re fat and squishy and you have so many stretch marks that your body resembles a road map”
  • I envy people who have nice, long fingernails, with a perfect manicure. I eat mine for lunch. I wish I could look that put together.
  • I hate Cristiano Ronaldo.
  • I always think that my all my friends love each other more than they love me. I have had the same thought for eight years.
  • Sometimes I accidentally kick or punch my dog and I feel really guilty but then she licks me like “it’s okay mom”.
  • I’m ashamed to eat in public. If I eat a salad, people might thing “Oh, look at that little fat girl, at least she’s trying” and if I eat a pizza they might think “Look at that fat pig, stuffing herself”
  • Sometimes I ignore people’s calls on purpose. Just because I don’t feel like talking at that moment.
  • I’m finishing my degree just to finish my degree. My dream has always been and will always be to be a doctor. Can I live without pursuing that dream? I don’t think so. What am I going to do? I wish I knew.
  • I hate when people touch my food. Unless I offer.
  • I have had my heart broken real bad. It still hurts after seven years.
  • I miss all the people I used to be friends with but am no longer in touch. For me, people don’t just stop being my friends. Even if they disappear from my life. I wish I could get them all back.
  • When I go to the pharmacy for my prescriptions I feel ashamed to be buying 8 different depression related pills.
  • When I ride a bus, I never sit because I’m afraid to take too much space. I know I’m not THAT fat but I don’t want to touch people or bother them.
  • I’m afraid to change in front of Rui. I do it out of habit but I’m afraid he might find me disgusting because I’m so different from how I was when we first started dating.
  • I think my friends think I’m a little crazy, should not take so many pills and that they don’t understand my depression at all. I think that they believe I could do something about it if I tried really hard. Please tell them I can’t?
  • I could never buy condoms if I had to. I would die of shame. I am ashamed to buy tampons or pads if the register person is a man.
  • I’ve only farted in front of my boyfriend after 4 years. So… this month. I’m so disappointed. I thought I was a lady and only farted in front of my sister and dog.
  • I really want to be a mother. If it was for me I would be pregnant right now. But we don’t have the ideal financial situation (at all), my health is a mess and I cannot start a pregnancy 30 kg overweight.
  • I wish I had the energy I had when I was younger, just a few years back. At one point I was a tutor, taught Literature at a senior citizen university, worked at H&M, was at school, was a baby-sitter for 2 or 3 hours from Monday – Friday and did freelance translations. Now I have work and university and my house and all seems too much. Back then, whatever came up, I would do it. I was involved in a million projects.
  • Blogging has filled a whole in my life that I had for a long time. I always felt something was missing and blogging has taken that feeling away. It’s one of the most important things in my life right now and I take it very seriously.
  • I want another dog. Or a cat. Or guinea pigs. But ideally a dog to keep Rosa company. Again, we don’t have the money or the ideal situation for that.
  • I feel that, in life, I always get the short end of the stick. Since I was a child. I never get what I want, life always kicks my but.
  • I envy those 25-year-old married women, mothers of five. I know people judge them, but I admire them. I’ve always wanted to be a young mom of many. And to get married young.
  • I hate Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Flies, every Lord.
  • I had 5 years of French. Can I speak? Baguette.
  • I’m more afraid of the gynecologist than the dentist. It freaks me out.
  • I would like to be a stay-at-home mom and home-school but people don’t do that in my country/culture. They would say I don’t want to work and would call me weird for keeping my kids away from school or regular education. Come on, I teach other people’s kids…
  • I’m afraid of so many things but I’m deeply afraid of death, tragedies, criticism and failure.
  • I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be at 25. I feel guilty for that.

 

And I guess that’s it for today, my dear friends. Get to know a little of my mind and heart. Would you like to confess something?

Love you all. xo

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87 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. kristinagallo says:

    You are woman full of life dear Cheila. Yes i also ignore people sometimes, i have phases of anger and time when i like to be alone. I am fanatic and when i wish something or someone i don’t give up easily. I am hard rival ,so recently one guy gave me compliment that is hard to fight with me and it was cool of him . I don’t like makeup, only when i need to go out in evening i put some colors, otherwise i prefer natural style. Now i could talk forever, but wish you nice day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Judy Redic says:

    I always like what you post. It seems that we are the same at some point. Sometimes, I ignore people’s call because I just don’t feel like it. I don’t like people staring at me and start laughing. In my mind I killed them thousand times in different ways. Lol. Cheer up, Cheila. 😊☺️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. wandering in my genes says:

    It is very upsetting whenever you talk about depression and related stuffs..you have to come out of your many preconceived notions and try seeing it with a fresh view…pills can’t help you but humans can….Instead of trying different kind of pills ,it would be better if you share your words with Persons with various temperaments…who knows you find the key there….And as you said Blogging has provided you with something positive so this is it , shred off your depression through words not pills…And Yes ladies are humans too so feel free to add the aroma πŸ˜‰ and that too when you know you have no moral police around,it’s your den ,do whatever you like….And fat is cute…So are you…Hugs 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  4. May Everly says:

    Never be ashamed of yourself, or who you are, Cheila! It’s very hard to, because we are a society who judges based on looks, but you must tell yourself that you don’t care about those thoughts–and they are just strangers; they may think that you are a “fat little girl” or a “fat little pig”, but then it will pass because they have better things to do in their life than judge. And hey, my family and I were fostering a guinea pig! He has been adopted now (and my mom is very sad lol), but guinea pigs are the cutest!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Invisibly Me says:

    I think “baguette” is the best and only word you need to know in French anyway! Some of these I could have written myself, though it makes me sad you share them (hating yourself when you look in the mirror, heartbreak still hurting after so many years…) It’s very honest and heartfelt of you to write all of these, and it’s good to get to know ‘you’ a little better. Perhaps I should do a confessional post myself, if I have enough hours to dedicate to writing such a long list! πŸ™‚
    Caz x

    http://www.invisiblyme.com

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Eccentric Muse says:

    Haha! This was nice to read. I’m not Cristiano Ronaldo’s biggest fan, but I don’t hate him and I like the fact that he’s driven and determined. I love that he pushes, and pushes to make himself better at what he does. I wish I had five years of that beautiful language! Cheila, you’re you. You’re unique and I simply love how open you are. Don’t you dare worry about people who don’t or can’t accept you the way you are. No one is darn perfect, so let them point their fingers, but please, continue being you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Katie Rose says:

    “I had 5 years of French. Can I speak? Baguette.” – this really made me laugh! I think you’re a person with so many layers, and I think you feel a lot – I’m the same. I really feel a lot of the things you said, and I too wish I could be in a position to be a Mum and have a dog (a pug preferably!) – you’re not alone in any of this and thank you for being so frank and honest. x x x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dippy-Dotty Girl says:

    That is a fair bit of introspection πŸ™‚ My confessions would go along the lines of carrying a thin skin on me and feeling hurt too easy. I have lost friends and I tell myself that friends are not forever. Friends will come and go but the happy times remain in the memory along with the sadness of missing them. I burp when I overeat once in a while :-/ So many insecurities I hold in this head of mine too. I get you. Though I do like Ronaldo and I do not want to have babies πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Natalie Vinh says:

    I really loved this post. It really put things in perspective for me to know that there are other people out there who share the same baggage as I do! Many points to you for putting them in words for others to read. I’m glad you did.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. madkatter13 says:

    Hi beautiful! I loved this post, it’s very raw and honest. I have similar confessions regarding friends , heartbreak, insecurities, young mom envy and marriage envy. I will be 29 next month and no where near what I wanted to be. I wanted to be married by now for sure, was engaged and he up and left one Sunday morning. Left all his things even. So much for those non-refundable wedding deposits that I contributed to πŸ™„. That was in 2015 and still fighting aftermath of it.

    Anyway! Know we are all works in progress and as hard as it is when we have mental issues – we just have to TRY to trust the process eh? We got this and everything will start falling into place ❀️❀️

    Like

  11. Swetlana says:

    I found myself so often nodding along to your list! Especially the things about friends and friendships! I used to be a lot more outgoing and would love to spend time with friends from school but then they moved along with their lives and I was just stuck in this weird place and kind of let myself fall out of touch with the girls I spend my last years of high school with because of it. Sometimes I really regret it!

    This was overall a really great post and I wish I had the guts to be as honest with others and probably even myself!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cheila says:

      Thank you so much for reading!! I actually have great friends, I just don’t know how to talk to them about my depression. I’m ashamed and I feel stupid because they knew me when I was well. so they can see the damage. You can be this honest, you just have to write straight from the heart. Don’t be afraid of anyone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Swetlana says:

        I feel like talking about one’s depression isnt easy! I didnt even want to bring it up to my doctor, even though she had mentioned it to me a couple of months ago as a possibility but I denied it. So I cant imagine how difficult it might be to talk to people in your life about it!

        I might try doing what you did in my journal and in a more private way first.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. ignitedmoth says:

    *Hugs* You’re gorgeous, lady! ❀ Inside and out! I know body image issues can be hard to deal with sometimes, but you deserve to enjoy yourself when out and about just as much as anyone else with any other body type. Anyone who would say otherwise to you is the real waste of space and can piss off. πŸ˜‰
    And yes, I agree, it can be so hard coping with depression and having people just say "get over it" or other things like that. I have horrible anxiety and worry far too much about making mistakes and wasting time in my life on the wrong things. I was talking to my mom about it just recently and she was like "You have to stop thinking like that" and it's like, "Mom, I can't just switch it off, or believe me, I WOULD." She's a great mom though and normally gets it, I just think it's hard for her to see me at my low points sometimes.
    We just gotta take it one day at a time and keep working on things that will help make us happy. πŸ™‚
    I've been trying to focus on my writing, being healthier (I've just lost 10 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks) and am working on some other goals as well. I'm kind of doing a lot all at once right now but I'm hoping to do a lot of self improvement this year. Can't change things unless I work hard at it. πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cheila says:

      Yes, it’s not their fault if they don’t understand. My mom is just the same. They think we have some sort of control over it, which we don’t. I think people believe that we could do something if we really wanted to, they cannot accept that it is not up to us. My mother always says “nothing is stronger than your mind!”… well, my mind is not very good right now, is it?

      Liked by 1 person

  13. diaryofanineteenyearold says:

    I’m in no position to be giving you advice, but I sense so much hate/dissatisfaction πŸ˜” 😒 I don’t know you personally but from your blogs, you seem like a beautiful person. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Happiness isn’t supposed to be when you achieve everything you want; it should be now. I’m sure you have things to be grateful for. You may not have everything you wish but no one has it all. Love who you are, and surround yourself with people who make you appreciate you. You are a beautiful person, inside out. I hope you realize and never forget that. Also, pray. Trust in and pray to God. Best believe me when I say He hears. I appreciate you!! Enjoy your evening!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. goldenpinkjournal says:

    I love that this was so real and showed vulnerability that you don’t have to share with the world. I also felt like I was reading one of my own entries. I’m sure many of us can relate! Many of us are not where we want to be in life Unfortunately. So you are not aloneπŸ’•But we have to learn to love and accept ourself for who we are, there’s so many people in the world and we often want to look or be like someone else. Bigger people are body shamed to want to be skinny, skinnier people are body shamed to want to be thick. Straight hair, curly hair, light skin vs dark skin it’s all just a mess. Obviously we’re all beautiful if we want to look like each other lol. You are beautiful. You are brave, funny, and very kind hearted! Even those of us who definitely don’t deserve to get out hearts broken, still do. But keep your head up! Your heart has to be broken, in order to open. Which was a quote I learned from one of my favorite singers lol it kind of makes great sense. Pain hurts and Sucks but you become wiser. All of that pain, you will appreciate so much when things get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. JoAnna says:

    I love how real and funny you are, even about sad and scary things, because we can be funny and sad and scared at the same time, or at least you can. Having more of a sense of humor is one of my goals. Sometimes I can be too serious, especially in my writing. But back to you, because this is your blog. Being so real helps us know we are not alone in our fears, and thoughts we thought were strange, are not as strange, in fact, some of your confessions are pretty healthy, like: Sometimes I ignore people’s calls on purpose. Just because I don’t feel like talking at that moment. When I was your age πŸ™‚ we didn’t even have answering machines, let alone, cell phones. But now we have voice mail to take messages so we don’t have to answer the phone if we don’t feel like it. When you write that you’re not as far along as you thought you’d be at 25, I think,25, that’s so young! I felt the same way at 25, but I eventually caught up with myself, even thought I didn’t save the world. I did okay and so will you. Take all the time you need to become who you want to be. And you can even re-invent yourself when you’re 60, like I did. Thanks for following, “Anything is Possible!”

    Liked by 1 person

  16. wonderwall360blog says:

    I feel old! I wanted to be settled by the time I was 30 with someone who I could start a family with. I’m now 34 and the media says so much about how fertility declines after 35. However, recently talked to a doctor who had previously worked in fertility and he said I should be fine. Next step to come off my anti anxiety medication. Whilst I have not been a Mum then I have been having fun doing other things!

    I hate people saying plenty of time to get sorted but then reading your confessions, I wish I could be 25 again and still have that tune to get sorted.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cheila says:

      34 is not old at all, you still have plenty of time to do whatever you want and to change whatever you feel like you should! You have your whole life ahead of you!

      Like

  17. Blaisiesbakes says:

    I am inspired by your honesty and commitment I’m sure your friends love you just as much as others and by the way don’t worry about being overweight.You are beautiful ❀️

    Liked by 1 person

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