Life Update – Work, Health, Reading, Watching, Doing, Going

Hello dearest WordPress population and fellow blogging neighbors and friends!!

I’m alive!!

I have been busy as you can probably tell by my absence.

I thought I would take the time to update you on whatever I’m doing these days:

Health:

I have actually missed work today because I’m dealing with a nasty cold since Friday. So far I’ve had to miss a wedding on Saturday, work and a birthday dinner today. Damn you cold. Damn you sinusitis that shows up whenever I have a cold just to torture me even more.

Mental Health:

I’m so much better. Really, I mean it. I haven’t had anxiety or panic attacks in months. I haven’t been feeling any of the usual depression symptoms. I think I’m finally on the right medicine combination. I feel well, I sleep well and I’m generally happy. Being busy might also have a role to play in this. I thrive on being a busy bee and having a task list.

Work:

I’m so happy with my job. The kids are both cute, funny and difficult but I love working with them. My colleagues are so nice. I feel like I’ve won the job lottery. It’s the first time I actually feel 100% fulfilled with a job.

My freelance work is going great as well. No lack of work. There’s always something coming up and I love the work I do and the extra money I get besides my salary. It’s good to be able to have a side income and a pretty good one, thank God.

Home:

Well, we definitely need to do some cleaning. It hasn’t been a priority which I understand and accept but it still bothers me. We have been wearing clothes directly from the laundry basket for way too long.

Reading:

I have been reading more because I’m now used to reading kindle books on my phone. I think I’ve told you I finished After You. Then I began The Substitute by Denise Grover Swank, which is part of the series and the first book I’ve ever read by this author. It was fun to read, I would give it 4 stars, considering the genre and quality of writing. If I think about great classics I would probably give it a 2 but I need to be fair.

Then I read another book in just one day. I was bed-ridden on Saturday and didn’t have internet so reading was my only hope, while everyone else was stuffing themselves at the wedding. I read Golden Chances by Rebecca Hagan Lee. Another series (period one) and another author I did not know. I would give this book 4 stars as well, despite the fact that I liked it more than the latter. Different genres and I know I favor this one. It’s about 350 pages but I started it and finished it in a few hours.

I then began Diary of a Sex Addict’s Wife: The First Year, which is pretty good so far. It’s exactly what the title says. A woman discovers that her partner of 20 years has been having sex with prostitutes and hiring escort services for the last five. The book is about her thought process in dealing with such discovery and with what her marriage has become. There’s a lot of pain and doubt and loneliness and broken trust.

 

Watching:

Outlander has come back to me. Rui loves it too after watching the first 2 seasons so we’re enjoying season 3 together. It’s such a good show. Please watch it. I plan on reading the 8 books the series is based on.

American Horror Story season 7 has begun and, as always, I’m not convinced yet. Too weird. Three episodes in and I have no idea what it is all about.

I’m finishing season 4 of The Tudors. I’m going to miss it, actually. It’s been fun watching the life of Henry VIII unfold. They have just executed his 5th wife, Catherine Howard, for adultery. That’s where I’m at.

I have also watched Annabelle: creation expecting it to be the shittiest ever and was surprised to find it was not that bad, at least in my humble opinion. Most people I know that have watched it found it pretty bad but both Rui and I enjoyed it.

I want to watch It as soon as I get the chance.

Well, I guess this is pretty much it for today.

Have you been reading my Student Wisdom posts? My students say the funniest things.

Student Wisdom #1

Student Wisdom #2

Student Wisdom #3

What about my (almost) daily questions? I’ve heard there will be prizes at the end of the month for those who answer them all.

Question of the day #1

Question of the day #2

Question of the day #3

Question of the day #4

Question of the day #5

Question of the day #6

Question of the day #7

Question of the day #8

Question of the day #9

Question of the day #11

Question of the day #12

(#10 is missing purposefully)

Don’t forget you can pretty much always find me on Instagram and I would really love it if we could be friends on Goodreads so I can snoop on what you’re reading!! (Both bottom of the page)

See you, dear friends!!

 

 

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A reflection – “Biting more than I can chew syndrome”

Do you have it too?

This need to make a huge, exaggerated list of plans, that you need to get done as soon as possible? This need to be busy at all times, busier than anyone else? This striving for perfection that you cannot control?

Well, I do. I’ve always had it.

Before, I was not good at making things happening at all, so I wouldn’t care anyway.

With the years, experience and changes, I became productive and someone who can finish projects, really DO things, plan and accomplish. With these changes, came the stress and need to be super productive and organized. I can be, at times. I can multitask and actually focus on everything that I am doing, despite what people might say. I’m usually blogging, watching/listening to a YouTube video and texting, for example.

But, I have a tendency to overdo-it. To push myself too hard and to be my worst enemy.

My psychiatrist says this is one of my symptoms of Bipolar 2. Being extremely productive when well, entrepreneurial and independent from a young age. If this doesn’t describe me, I don’t know what does.

The thing is, I’m not going to give this away. I’m sorry. I don’t know who I am if I’m not busy and being productive. This might be part of some mental illness, but it is still me. It happens to be my favorite part about myself too. The type A, overachiever, “do-it-all-right-now” type of person. So I won’t give it up. Ever. But I have learned two things:

1. I can’t be like this all the time. If I’m unwell, things will not get done and that’s okay. I will forget my to-do list and watch movies until I’m so bored I need to get back to it. I’ll rest, until I’m there again.
2. It’s okay when things don’t get done. I know I tend to do huge lists and I’ll keep doing them, but I’ll be fine when I don’t scratch every single thing. It’ll get done eventually. I’m not going to stress about it.

This is the best compromise I can make with myself. I continue to be exactly who I am, but I relax and give myself some grace, when needed. It takes a ton of weight of my shoulders, and I don’t feel like I need to change, just adapt.

With that said, I’ll come back soon with my July wrap-up and my August goals 😉

Thank you so much.

My after vacation to-do list – August 16th to August 31st (Part II)

Hey there dear friends,

Is it me or a bunch of people are taking a break from blogging?

Maybe because it’s Summer? Or because everyone is a little tired?

I told you I would come back today with part II of my list of things I need to take care of before September. Yesterday was School and Work (Academics in general too) and today I’ll talk about personal and health related tasks. Some of them I’ve been putting off for a long time, you’ll be surprised to know I haven’t done some things I’ve been talking about for the last six months yet. Welcome to my procrastination side.

My to-do list –  From August 16th to August 31st:

Personal and health

• I need to get on a sleep schedule. Right now my sleep is all over the place. I might sleep for 12 hours, if no one is there to wake me up. What are alarms for? Well, they’re useless if I can’t hear them at all and sleep through them. I need my sleep, I’m not one of those people who is happy and satisfied with 6-7 hours. I’ve done that and I can’t function properly. I need to be in bed with enough time to sleep 8-9 hours. I know that is too much for an adult, but it’s what I need. I might not sleep the 8 or 9 hours, but I need to be in bed for that long. I need to talk to my doctor and find a way to fall asleep faster, when I get to bed. I takes me 3 hours, sometimes. Other times, I need to get up and take an extra pill (prescribed by her, of course) or I can’t sleep at all. Problem is, the emergency pill is powerful. I take it at about 4 a.m if I’m not asleep by then, and then I sleep till 2 p.m, which is very bad. My doctor and I need to find a good balance and cocktail of pills so I can get in a good, healthy sleep routine. 
• Schedule a dental appointment. I haven’t been to the dentist for about 3 years? Shame on me, I know.
• You know that gynaecology appointment I’ve been talking about since I’ve started the blog? It hasn’t happen yet. I REALLY need to take care of that as soon as possible.
• I need to go and do my blood tests and then schedule and appointment to show the results to my doctor. 
• Schedule an appointment to check on my back.
• Find a meal plan that works for me. I need to eat every meal at the same time.
• Make sure my clothes and shoes are ready and in good condition for work. Also, make sure they’re in the right place and organized. Look at my fall wardrobe (Although it only starts on September 21st) and see what’s good and what I need to buy. Go to a thrift store for whatever I need. They’re great for sweaters and cardigans. 
• Let my nails look half-decent. Which means stop biting them. Very hard.
• Create a beauty routine schedule, example: Monday – hair mask; Saturday – shave legs;
• Finish the two books I’m reading now and create and TBR list for the next few months.
• Go and spend one afternoon with my grandmother.
• Take my sister to the beach.
• Maybe get my eyes checked.
• Choose a back pain yoga video to alternate with my yoga for relaxation video.

Well, I think that is mostly it. Meaning, I need to organize my things before I go back to work, so I won’t struggle with stress and over doing.

What’s something personal or health related you should have been taken care by now but are procrastinating? 

See you tomorrow for part III.

xx

Chey

Day by Day – Health Journey (27.07.17) I got the job!! + Vacation Plans

Hello my dear friends!!

I’m very happy and in a very good mood.

I was offered the job I really wanted and that I had recently interviewed for and I, of course, said yes. I’ll start on September 1st, which is perfect because our annual Summer vacation (time we can take together in the Summer, usually August) starts tomorrow, after Rui leaves work. We’ll be free (I mean, I’ve been for a while so he’ll be) from Monday, 31st of July (not counting this weekend because he’s free on weekends anyway) to Sunday, the 13th of August. Rui will probably go back to work on Monday, August 14th. We have no idea what we’re doing yet but we know we won’t be doing anything too crazy or spending too much money because I’m not working yet.

Tomorrow night we will go and spend the weekend at his parents house in Sertã, his hometown. It’s countryside, super hot and extremely beautiful. There are river beaches and the city pool is extremely cheap (you pay about 3€ per person for the whole day) and I just love the landscapes and high places and dense Eucalyptus and Pine tree forests.

There’s just a few issues we have no idea how to solve. Rosa, the vegetable garden and my garden and plants. We would like to stay longer than just the weekend but we have no one to watch Rosa, and to water everything. It’s very hot so things need to be watered and taken care of daily. We can obviously leave Rosa at the Pet hotel where she usually stays, but it’s kind of expensive. 15€ per day adds up quickly if she stays there for a few days. Also, I feel bad to leave her more than a couple of days because I’m afraid she will feel abandoned and get nervous or anxious or sad. It’s my baby girl, after all. If we take her, she will spend so much time inside the house because we cannot take her with us to the pool or beach. So, yeah, there are a few problems to solve before we go.

Now, more details about my job. I’m very, very excited because I’ll go back to tutoring, which is easier than full on teaching, and I’ll have 8th and 9th grade, instead of pre – college, teenage high schoolers or working adults. The fact that I’ll be working for someone else for a while instead of being responsible for a whole business is something that makes me feel calm and peaceful right now. The hours are so different and there’s only about 10% of the stress and responsibility I was dealing with before I came home. I have been known to work from 7.30 a.m to 11.30 p.m with no breaks, more than once, many times actually, and now I’ll only be dealing with 12.30 hours a week, earning a close to full-time salary. How lucky am I? God is being very good to me and I feel so blessed. This job is what I needed and prayed for and it’s the perfection way to slowly get back to work and still have tonnes of time to take care of myself and get better. Plus, I love the idea of being booked for the whole school year, because it provides stability. What else could I ask for? Oh, there’s one more thing. Most hours are in the late afternoon, which means Rui can go by when he’s coming from work and pick me up, which means less money spent on transportation. I’m over the moon.

I’m sorry I’m writing so much but I really wanted to update you on these very important things, our upcoming vacation and my new job. I’m looking forward to both. Its’s also great that I have about 15 days after our vacation for getting a few things done and organized before the school year starts.

I’m really happy, which hasn’t happen in a while.

I’m going to get off your back now. Sorry for such a long post (not that they’re usually small, but still) and I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you’re happy and that things are going well for you right now.

I would love if you’d tell me what makes you feel blessed at the moment or, if you’re going to a tough period, what’s going on, so we can talk and pray together.

Love you guys so much.

Thank you for the constant support.

Chey.

Day by Day – Health Journey (26.07.17) First to-do list in a while + movie update

Hey there,

How is everyone?

I should be doing a What’s Up Wednesday post today but I’m lazy and I don’t feel like doing it. It’s a very calm day, I feel well, just a bit tired. I’m spending time with my sister and Rosa. Even if I didn’t want to spend time with Rosa, I would be forced to, as she makes sure she follows me around all day, every day.

I have a TON of laundry to fold and a ton of laundry to do. I’m taking care of the latter, having a load drying and another one in the washer. I’m super lazy recently haha, what can I do? I still have a small to-do list for today:

• Call back to know about interview results. It’s been a week.
• Answer emails.
• I was approved for one of those online projects as a freelance writer and I need to get the details straight and start working on the project. The other is almost settled as well, which is great.
• I need to answer comments, I have so, so many.
• I also need to read blogs, I’ve been lacking in that department.
• I need to unload the dishwasher and then load it again.
• I need to cook dinner.
• I need to go and buy some medicine I finished yesterday.
• I have to water the garden and take care of the plants.
• I need to drink enough water and keep up with the healthy snacks.
• I will listen to my relaxing music before bed, as I’ve done every day.
• I want to read a few chapters of the two books I’m going through.
• I’ll watch the last episode of The Handmaids Tale, and I’ll miss it. Have you watched it/read it?

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow for my back. I’ve had back problems since I was a child, so I need to pay them some attention.

I’ll now show you an updated list of the movies I was supposed to watch this month:

Day 1: The Godfather

Day 2: The Godfather: Part II

Day 3: Casablanca

Day 4: Memento

Day 5: Sunset Boulevard

Day 6: Requiem for a Dream (I’ve started but not finished, a bit weird for me)

Day 7: Before Sunrise

Day 8: Lion

Day 9: Les Miserables

Day 10: Babel

Day 11: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Day 12: Munich

Day 13: The Aviator

Day 14: Pulp Fiction

Day 15: Suicide Squad

Day 16: Inception

Day 17: It

Day 18: It’s a Wonderful Life

Day 19: Selma

Day 20: Apocalypse Now

Day 21: Cinema Paradiso

Day 22: To Kill a Mockingbird

Day 23: Rebecca

Day 24: Winter’s Bone

Day 25: Hotel Ruanda

Day 26: Mystic River

Day 27: Chicago

Day 28: Beauty and the Beast

Day 29: The Zookeeper’s Wife (I need to finish this one. I was watching it and it started to act funny. I need to “buy” another version)

Day 30: The Shack

Extras:

The Truman show

Many documentaries and YouTube videos on various topics

Poldark

Game of Thrones

North and South

The Handmaids Tale

I’m starting Upstairs, Downstairs today. Do you have any TV series suggestions? I’m especially fond of period dramas. That’s my thing as you can probably tell.

I also want to share the albums I’ve been listening to on Spotify, to relax before bed:

I go to “moods” and choose “sleep”.

Then, my favorite albums are:

• Peaceful Piano
• Jazz for Sleeping
• Peaceful Guitar
• Night Rain
• Sleep Tight
• There are several just called “sleep” which are very good as well.

These help me with anxiety and to unwind and feel sleepy. It has become a nightly ritual I look forward to, just being in the dark, earplugs, soft music and relaxation. I highly recommend it.

I’m off now. Which movie, from the list, do you think I should watch tonight?

xx

 

 

Let’s talk…

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has left sweet comments on every single post, despite my long absence and general neglect. Thank you so much for keeping up with me and I promise I won’t ever leave you for good. I just need my breaks sometimes.

I’ll need more breaks in the future, I’m sure of that. Things are not always easy, especially for someone who has to live with mental illness. Blogging (among other things) has been giving me anxiety lately, so I’ve been doing what feels right for me and staying away from it. I’ve told you this before so, no news there.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety over a few other things too. The fact that I depend on some people right now, makes me feel like I’m really failing at life and ruining theirs. If it weren’t for me, some people would be better. I’m not saying this in a suicidal thinking way. Not at all. I’m being literal. If I didn’t have this problem, my family and friends would be better off. It’s very hard to deal with someone who is really sick, because that’s what I am. For those who don’t believe in mental illness or don’t feel like it should be considered as such, I’m sorry but you are ignorant, misinformed and you should be ashamed of yourself. I recommend some reading on the subject, for those who might care. For those you don’t care about being ignorant and discriminating people who suffer from mental illness, well, all advice I can give is “Go fuck yourself and I hope you or a family member never have to deal with such health issues”.

Because I know the majority of my readers are not like that at all, I apologize for my words, but I needed to get them off my chest. Because I know you care, I’ll continue to explain what’s been happening to me.

Firstly, there’s the physical issues that come with mental illness and that I obviously endure from time to time. I understand them and I’ve learned to accept them, but they get in the way. Imagine what is like when you can’t work, so you can’t help financially and you can’t take care of what you’re supposed to do around the house, because you feel pain (yes, depression gives you general body pain) and exhaustion like you’ve never felt before. This is when people generally think their friend or loved one is lazy or is trying to get rid of laundry. Sometimes that can be true, but if they really suffer from depression, they’re most likely not faking it. So, you can’t pay for things and you can’t do the majority of the work around the house. You begin to feel useless. That’s the first feeling that overcomes you and me.

I’ve been trying to be positive and I think I’m becoming better at that. But there’s always a little voice bugging me and telling me what a burden I am. It hurts to think of yourself like that. But you can’t let it define you. People have needed you and they might need you again in the future. Now it’s just your turn to be taken care of. That’s what we need to keep in mind.

And now, I’ll tell you how I’ve been dealing with these difficult stage:

• I’m trying to find a small way to contribute financially. I’m waiting for an answer on that job proposal, which my psychiatrist approves because it’s only 13 hours a week. And I’m signing up for online freelance work. (Nothing to do with the blog). I’m currently negotiating with two people from two different projects that I can easily work on at home.
• When it comes to housework, I try the “bit by bit + sit method”, which I’ve just made up. I unload the dishwasher and feel exhausted, so I sit down. When I feel better, I hang the laundry, and then I sit down. I clean the bathroom and take a cat nap. That’s how I have (not) been managing. It’s as much as I can do right now. I’m really sorry about that but the strength is not in me. I wish it could be like a Sims game, where you can see your Sim’s energy level. Then people would be able to see how bad I actually feel and understand.
• If I don’t feel like doing something, I just don’t. (That’s what’s been happening with blogging). This might be controversial, because doctors say you shouldn’t be in bed, depressed, all they long, but I disagree. You can spend your day in bed as long as:

 

1. It’s not every day; You can take one day or two if you’re feeling really bad, but not a week.
2. You get up, get cleaned up and out of pajamas (wear something comfy but not pajamas), eat well, and make your bed. This way it doesn’t seem like you never got out of bed, it seems like you’re just chilling in bed, doing something.
3. Do something that you either love or that is useful. Read, watch movies, documentaries (my thing lately), educational videos, crochet, color or listen to music. You can even blog, just don’t caught up and spend the whole day pasturing around social media or Buzzfeed.
4. Get up from time to time and do something small.
5. Just because you’re having a rest day, it doesn’t mean you can eat bad food. No. You’re allowed to rest, not to indulge.
6. Let people know you are in one of those days. If they don’t understand, that’s their problem. But you should be able to say to a family member or friend that you are having a really bad day, maybe you’re too tired or in pain.

 

Keep in mind that tomorrow will be a new day. It always is. No matter how bad today was, you have a new chance to start over every single day. How lucky are we to have that option? Just take every day as you go, according to your energy levels and mental ability. That’s the best (and maybe only) thing you can do right now, which is taking good care of yourself.

On another note, I’ve been doing something that I think is helping. When I go to bed, I use spotify on my phone (with earplugs and in the dark) to listen to relaxing soft jazz music, relaxing piano tunes, white noise (for me heavy rain or a fireplace cracking are the ones that work best), or guided meditation. I have to admit I’m not a big fan of the latter. The talking distracts me. I focus way better with soft music. I eventually feel very sleepy and relaxed and I put the phone down and sleep.

I really hope that this post is good enough to tell you how I’ve been feeling and to explain my absence, but that it is also helpful and that my experience and tips might help your or someone you know, in the same situation.

Please tell me if you like this post and if you would like to read more about this topic. How I deal with my down moments and symptoms, and how I cope in general. If it’s boring and depressing, just be honest, we’re friends.

Thank you so much for reading.

Cheila.

P.S. Don’t worry, the lists, and fun random posts and videos will come back as soon as I’m well enough to make them ❤

I miss her…

I’m so frustrated.

I want to blog but I can’t seem to get it done. What is wrong with me?

I used to blog every day. I’m not on a break anymore. I want to do it. I miss it. But then I don’t. It’s not even writers block, I always have something to say.

My day was not that excited. I had my psychiatrist’s appointment and both Rui and my mom went with me. Then I spend the afternoon with mom, going to McDonald’s, talking, laughing. Not that much, though. Not as much as we used to. I don’t seem to find so many things to laugh about these days. I also don’t really feel like talking so I’m definitely poor company.  Apparently I don’t like to be held or touched or hugged either, as of late. This one is new. It makes me sad. Will I ever be the person I used to be? The funny one, always telling a joke, talking way too much and hugging everyone. Maybe she’s gone. I hadn’t noticed until today.

I don’t know myself anymore, most times. I take 10 pills a day, I’m always exhausted, I don’t have a job, I’m often dizzy, my hands shake, I’m way bigger than I used to be. Until a few weeks ago everything was fine, I was a blogger. I was a good, successful one. Now I’m one who doesn’t feel like writing.

Please, tell me there’s someone else out there feeling the same way. Far from their own person. Unknown to themselves. A tiny bit of what they used to be.

Will I ever come back to myself? I wish I do. I miss her..

Cheila

I’m here, my friends!! – Updates

Hello everyone,

How is it going? Do tell.

I’ve been working on blogging and general computer stuff I had to do since about 9 a.m. It’s 5.24 p.m now and I’ll take a break to take care of the kitchen, unload the dishwasher and load it again, and make something for dinner. But I do have a little time to talk to you.

First of all, my interview went very well. It’s just a part-time as an English and Portuguese tutor. I will obviously make less money than I did working for myself but I like the no-stress part, at least for a while. It’s 13 hours a week and the money is actually pretty good, way better than I had expected. They’ll say something on Monday or Tuesday so I’m currently waiting for an answer.

I didn’t go to any of my exams. When we realized we had money to pay my tuition, some of them had already happened and the others were pretty soon after. I’ll have the chance to do them in September so no harm done.

I’ve been really good at eating well and drinking my water, but doing 0 when it comes to exercise. I’ve been feeling very tired, maybe from the medication or maybe because I’m cutting carbs and sugar. I’m mostly eating, fruits and vegetables, protein and very little carbs. I don’t miss them that much but my body might. But I’m really happy with my current meals, they’re healthy and balanced and I feel good.

I’m pissed because we washed our couch covers and cushions (the actual cushions, not the pillows) and they’re taking so many days to dry so we are currently without a couch. We’ve also washed a rug but that is already dry, just need to remove hairs from a certain four-legged friend of mine.

I have a psychiatrist’s appointment tomorrow and I need to go to H&M to return a pair of shoes and bring the next one. I didn’t look well enough, I guess, and brought a smaller number. So me.

I’ve moved some of my plants and they’re happy and thriving. I’m in love with them. In other news, so bastard bird or snail or whatever is eating away my sunflowers. They were looking perfect so I’m deeply sad.

We have a ton of tomatoes!! I can eat tomatoes every day until fall at every meal if I want too. There’s so many of them. And strawberries. And the cucumbers and bell peppers are coming soon as well.

So, yeah, this is all I have to tell for now. Maybe I’ll come back later.

Love you guys!

Cheila

A few answers to questions you might have or might not know you had

• Why aren’t you a real teacher? why the private lessons?

I can’t be an actual teacher in school or at a university because I don’t have a Master’s Degree or a PhD. In Portugal you need those to be a teacher. Is it like that in your country? So I teach private lessons because there is no regulation for that, as I’m consider a tutor. Everything is fine as long as I pay taxes, which I do, obviously. I would love to be a university professor and to teach Literature or History.

• Why haven’t you finished your undergraduate degree? Which courses are you taking this semester?

I enrolled in 2011 and was supposed to finish in three years. However, between being diagnosed with depression, starting my business and handling its growth, it is going to take six years (this is my sixth and final year, final semester ever). Add a little laziness and falling madly in love in my second year (Rui came into my life and I could no longer focus on anything else) and that explains it. This semester I’m taking: Business English, because I already help my students with business English and preparing for interviews and meetings and presentations, but I want a certificate saying that I’m qualified to do it; Italian A2, because I really want to learn the language. It sounds beautiful and it’s similar to Portuguese so it’s easy for me; German A1.2, because I also love the language (I don’t understand why most people hate it, I find it beautiful) and because my mother is fluent and we can practice with each other, which makes for funny conversations; Classic Ancient History, to finish my minor in History; History of Classic Ancient Civilizations, for the same reason. I love History; And finally, North American Cinema, as a part of my Major in North American Studies. When I finish, I will have a Major in North American Studies, a minor in English Studies and a minor in History; Hopefully, I will be done in July.

• Why aren’t you married, why just living together?

Well, we have been living together for two years. I’m not sure how it is in other countries but, in Portugal, if you have been living together for more than 2 years (3? I’m not sure) and you share the same address and file taxes together and such, by law you’re considered a married couple. We share everything, from money, to saving, bills, problems, the good and the bad, so I consider him my husband. I’m sure he has done more for me than most husbands. He’s the greatest and I love the life we share. Will we ever get married? I don’t know. It used to be a dream of mine but, with age and with people and different situations ruining it for me, I’m not so sure now. We probably will end up getting married. I know he wants to and I also want it but I can live without it. This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in marriage at all. I do, and I respect it and believe it’s forever.

• Why don’t we see pictures of Rui on the blog?

This one is simple. He doesn’t want his picture online and I respect him. He is a computer science engineer and he has spent a lot of time studying and working with information security and internet security and so he knows how dangerous it can be to be out there. He’s fine with me uploading my pictures, but he doesn’t want to show is face on the internet. He will also not let me publish pictures of our future kids, which I also respect because well, they will be his kids too. It makes me a little sad because I dream of being a proper mommy blogger someday, but I understand and respect his decision. Don’t worry, I promise you he is cute 🙂

• When were you first diagnosed with depression? Why is it taking so long for you to get better?

I think… 3 or 4 years ago. Before that I had known something was wrong for a long time but it took me a while to understand that it had something to do with mental illness. People would tell me that I was different, my mother would tell me I was not myself, I was lonely, feeling like nothing and so so sad all the time. I would miss classes, sleep 16 hours, not sleep at all, etc. I would attribute that to being tired or being lazy or being a mess. Then I realized that, if I talked to someone, maybe they could help me, and everything would go away. After about 5 therapists, 20 different pill combinations (I feel like a guinea pig) I’m still unwell. I’m tired of it. I just want to be healthy and normal, but no one seems to get my medication right or get to the point… I don’t know.

• Why do you always talk about your mother and sister but never about your dad?

Because I don’t have one. He was abusive and left my mother (I mean she left him, tired of being abused) when I was about two years old. I don’t know him, he doesn’t care and I finally got to a point where I don’t care either. I have an amazing stepdad, I should talk about him more often. He is Brazilian and his name is Luiz. Is the funniest guy ever. He’s so cool. He’s really good to us and I know that he loves me and my sister. And we love him too.

• What is your biggest dream?

I have two great dreams. To be a mother, which I will have to wait a little while… I’m almost there, hopefully I won’t wait longer than two years. And the other one, is an old one. I would like to be a doctor. It’s something I have always wanted, but it never seemed the right time. I went the other way around because I was young and I thought I couldn’t make it. Now I regret it and want to go back but I can’t. Maybe I should try? Everyone tells me I’m not that old yet and that I can still get into medical school. That has many implications and life changes, but I’m tempted to try it. What do you guys think? Should I try for Dr. Cheila Cruz M.D? Tell what you think about it.

• Have you had any other important relationships before Rui? 

Hmm… I have dated a few frogs before finding my prince. My first boyfriend happened when I was thirteen. He is now my best friend. We were kids so we would hold hands and share shy kisses. Today we laugh about it. Then I had another not so serious boyfriend when I was sixteen. We were the perfect couple, extremely popular in our school, the typical prom king and queen. Until he became abusive and I cut it off. I lasted about a year. Then came the one who broke my heart. I was seventeen and impressionable and he was arrogant and bad and I liked that. But he really broke my heart and changed me. I’ll never be the same, I’ll never look at myself in the same way. It has been eight years and it still hurts when I think about it. One day I will tell you about the one that broke my heart. After this, I met a sweet guy who I was with for three years. He was really nice, but the sparkle wasn’t there. We were very different and we knew we wanted different things. We broke up in good terms, no drama there. And then, finally I met Rui, my other half, the man of my dreams, and I love him so much. To this day, if we’re at a party or dinner and he is away from me if I look at him, I think he is so cute and beautiful and smart and perfect. I miss him during the day. He’s my best friend and the first to know everything. I can only sleep if he holds me, which he does, every single night. He tells me I look beautiful every day, even when I know I look like shit, even knowing that I was 30 kg lighter when he met me. This is not safe for work so don’t read it if you’re a prude… One day, after gaining the weight I was feeling so bad and saying I was disgusting and that I had no idea how he could feel anything for me. Do you know what he answered? – You’re beautiful and even if you gain 200 kg I will still jump you. Well, that’s… romantic…I guess 🙂

Do you have any questions to ask me? I have no problem answering anything, as I want to be honest with my followers and for them to know the real me. Please ask away 🙂

Health for days journey – July 7th (soy milk can go to hell and so can my panties edition)

Dearest friends,

You have no idea the atrocity I’ve been through.

In an attempt to quit dairy, I decided to switch cow’s milk for a healthier option. I can go on without butter, cheese, yogurt but not milk. I need it for my coffee. So I first tried almond milk and hated it. So I thought I would try soy milk. It’s so popular, so many people like it, I’m sure I will. What a huge mistake. I tried it as soon as I got home and you have no idea the face I made. It’s just horrible. I can’t even keep it in my mouth. But I decided to give it a second chance and thought “I might not feel the taste with my coffee”. Oh, how wrong I was. I can taste that shit even with really strong coffee. I couldn’t even take a third sip. Screw you, soy milk!! Now, what are my options? I’ve tried rice milk a few years ago and it tastes like you have just boiled rice in some water, filtered the water and it suddenly turns into milk. Just unacceptable! I might cry. I guess I’m left with oats and spelt. Oh my. What shall I do? I need my milk. Can I get away with skimmed, lactose-free milk? It’s still cows milk. Help?

Anyway, remember the panties I bought yesterday? Most of them don’t fit and I can’t return them. The biggest number they had was L/XL which is kind of stupid because there’s a big difference between and L and an XL. In other places, I currently go for an L. They fit well and comfortably, becoming a little to big for me with time. So I though, okay, L/XL it is. THEY DON’T FIT ME AT ALL. It’s not like they’re a little tight or that their elastic hurts me. They really don’t fit. I know I’m overweight but I’m not that big to wear an XXL (yet). Nothing wrong with big numbers, everyone has a different body and a right to find good quality, comfortable clothes. I would never mind going up to an XXL in this store, even though I know it would be too big for me in other places. As long as I’m comfy and I like the product I don’t mind going up one, two or three sizes at all. No taboo there.

I’m a size 42, which means UK 14 and US 12, the equivalent to an L. To need an XL I would have to be a size 46 (44 is still large), UK 18 and US 16. So I went up two sizes and they didn’t fit at all. I believe they wouldn’t even fit my mom, a size 38/40 or 10/12 (UK) or 8/10 (US). So, you can see how ridiculously small they are. Anyway. You know this happens as well as I do, we’ve all been through this with smaller or bigger sizes.

Well, I should go and get some studying done.

Love talking to you guys.

xx