Today I come to you with a heavier subject, which I don’t mind sharing because my mental health journey was the main reason I started this blog, almost two years ago.
I’ve been 100% honest about my severe depression, anxiety and bipolar type 2. Many people seem to think that those who suffer from bipolar disorder are half crazy and change moods every five seconds, which means going from being absolutely fine to taking their clothes off and dancing on a table. This is not true at all. First of all, bipolar type I is much more serious and prone to manic episodes. Bipolar type II means I suffer from mood alterations throughout the year. They work like waves and can last from a few days to a few weeks, maybe a month, if it is that bad. I go from happy, calm and productive to sad, unmotivated and exhausted. That’s pretty much it. Nothing eccentric or insane. Besides, I’m obviously medicated with mood stabilizers which help balance things out.
When I first started this blog, I was going through my lowest point. I was hanging by a thread and very close to my breaking point. I lost it soon after and realized I needed a break in order to focus on my health. I came home for a 6 month medical leave and things got a lot worse before they got better. I think I slept for half that time. I was exhausted and heavily medicated. I felt like no one could help me and that I would have to feel that bad for the rest of my life. I think I was very close to feeling suicidal. I didn’t want to die but I felt like it would be wonderful if I could just go to sleep forever. Eventually, my medication began working. I was eating better, resting and staying away from stressful situations and environments. I had this blog and had met wonderful people who understood how I felt. I later realized my family was working very hard to hide every possible problem from me, so they could spare me any worry. My brain was finally healing and I was slowly feeling better. I got a part time job after six months and changed to a full time job eight moths later, which was the best decision I ever made. Having a job I loved, having a routine, being around people and feeling capable again helped immensely and I was feeling like myself again, after so many years. I was laid off after five months and was very sad but not depressed, thankfully. (I found another that I love even more and I feel blessed) My psychiatrist appointments went from monthly to every three months. My medication was decreased a few times. My sleeping pills went from 100 mg to 75 mg to 50 mg to 25 mg. I was definitely better and continuously improving.
So, where am I now?
I’m still doing better. Way better than I’ve been in a long time. However, there’s something they don’t really tell you about depression and mental illness in general. Relapses. They happen. There’s no way around them. I’ve had a few and I’m going through one right now. It’s not even close to being as bad as they have been before, but it’s still something. I’ve been home for a week and I’ll be home until next Monday. I’m exhausted, I have insomnia, zero energy and I don’t feel like doing much because I can’t really focus or have the motivation. My anxiety is also bothering me. The good thing is I know I’m having a relapse as soon as it starts happening and I know how to react and ask for help. I texted my psychiatrist and scheduled an emergency appointment. She increased my medication and will see me in a month. I’m resting and trying to take care of myself.
And that’s it. In a nutshell. My mental health journey. I really hope I can help someone by putting it out there and by being honest about my struggles.
If anyone feels like they need to talk to someone about this kind of issue, feel free to reach out to me:
Trust me, there’s nothing I won’t understand. I’ll never judge you and I’ve been there. I might not be able to help but I’ll be here to listen.
Everyone, it would be wonderful if you’d share your experiences in the comment section. We can all learn from each other.
Thank you for stopping by.