Let’s talk…

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has left sweet comments on every single post, despite my long absence and general neglect. Thank you so much for keeping up with me and I promise I won’t ever leave you for good. I just need my breaks sometimes.

I’ll need more breaks in the future, I’m sure of that. Things are not always easy, especially for someone who has to live with mental illness. Blogging (among other things) has been giving me anxiety lately, so I’ve been doing what feels right for me and staying away from it. I’ve told you this before so, no news there.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety over a few other things too. The fact that I depend on some people right now, makes me feel like I’m really failing at life and ruining theirs. If it weren’t for me, some people would be better. I’m not saying this in a suicidal thinking way. Not at all. I’m being literal. If I didn’t have this problem, my family and friends would be better off. It’s very hard to deal with someone who is really sick, because that’s what I am. For those who don’t believe in mental illness or don’t feel like it should be considered as such, I’m sorry but you are ignorant, misinformed and you should be ashamed of yourself. I recommend some reading on the subject, for those who might care. For those you don’t care about being ignorant and discriminating people who suffer from mental illness, well, all advice I can give is “Go fuck yourself and I hope you or a family member never have to deal with such health issues”.

Because I know the majority of my readers are not like that at all, I apologize for my words, but I needed to get them off my chest. Because I know you care, I’ll continue to explain what’s been happening to me.

Firstly, there’s the physical issues that come with mental illness and that I obviously endure from time to time. I understand them and I’ve learned to accept them, but they get in the way. Imagine what is like when you can’t work, so you can’t help financially and you can’t take care of what you’re supposed to do around the house, because you feel pain (yes, depression gives you general body pain) and exhaustion like you’ve never felt before. This is when people generally think their friend or loved one is lazy or is trying to get rid of laundry. Sometimes that can be true, but if they really suffer from depression, they’re most likely not faking it. So, you can’t pay for things and you can’t do the majority of the work around the house. You begin to feel useless. That’s the first feeling that overcomes you and me.

I’ve been trying to be positive and I think I’m becoming better at that. But there’s always a little voice bugging me and telling me what a burden I am. It hurts to think of yourself like that. But you can’t let it define you. People have needed you and they might need you again in the future. Now it’s just your turn to be taken care of. That’s what we need to keep in mind.

And now, I’ll tell you how I’ve been dealing with these difficult stage:

• I’m trying to find a small way to contribute financially. I’m waiting for an answer on that job proposal, which my psychiatrist approves because it’s only 13 hours a week. And I’m signing up for online freelance work. (Nothing to do with the blog). I’m currently negotiating with two people from two different projects that I can easily work on at home.
• When it comes to housework, I try the “bit by bit + sit method”, which I’ve just made up. I unload the dishwasher and feel exhausted, so I sit down. When I feel better, I hang the laundry, and then I sit down. I clean the bathroom and take a cat nap. That’s how I have (not) been managing. It’s as much as I can do right now. I’m really sorry about that but the strength is not in me. I wish it could be like a Sims game, where you can see your Sim’s energy level. Then people would be able to see how bad I actually feel and understand.
• If I don’t feel like doing something, I just don’t. (That’s what’s been happening with blogging). This might be controversial, because doctors say you shouldn’t be in bed, depressed, all they long, but I disagree. You can spend your day in bed as long as:

 

1. It’s not every day; You can take one day or two if you’re feeling really bad, but not a week.
2. You get up, get cleaned up and out of pajamas (wear something comfy but not pajamas), eat well, and make your bed. This way it doesn’t seem like you never got out of bed, it seems like you’re just chilling in bed, doing something.
3. Do something that you either love or that is useful. Read, watch movies, documentaries (my thing lately), educational videos, crochet, color or listen to music. You can even blog, just don’t caught up and spend the whole day pasturing around social media or Buzzfeed.
4. Get up from time to time and do something small.
5. Just because you’re having a rest day, it doesn’t mean you can eat bad food. No. You’re allowed to rest, not to indulge.
6. Let people know you are in one of those days. If they don’t understand, that’s their problem. But you should be able to say to a family member or friend that you are having a really bad day, maybe you’re too tired or in pain.

 

Keep in mind that tomorrow will be a new day. It always is. No matter how bad today was, you have a new chance to start over every single day. How lucky are we to have that option? Just take every day as you go, according to your energy levels and mental ability. That’s the best (and maybe only) thing you can do right now, which is taking good care of yourself.

On another note, I’ve been doing something that I think is helping. When I go to bed, I use spotify on my phone (with earplugs and in the dark) to listen to relaxing soft jazz music, relaxing piano tunes, white noise (for me heavy rain or a fireplace cracking are the ones that work best), or guided meditation. I have to admit I’m not a big fan of the latter. The talking distracts me. I focus way better with soft music. I eventually feel very sleepy and relaxed and I put the phone down and sleep.

I really hope that this post is good enough to tell you how I’ve been feeling and to explain my absence, but that it is also helpful and that my experience and tips might help your or someone you know, in the same situation.

Please tell me if you like this post and if you would like to read more about this topic. How I deal with my down moments and symptoms, and how I cope in general. If it’s boring and depressing, just be honest, we’re friends.

Thank you so much for reading.

Cheila.

P.S. Don’t worry, the lists, and fun random posts and videos will come back as soon as I’m well enough to make them ❤