I miss her…

I’m so frustrated.

I want to blog but I can’t seem to get it done. What is wrong with me?

I used to blog every day. I’m not on a break anymore. I want to do it. I miss it. But then I don’t. It’s not even writers block, I always have something to say.

My day was not that excited. I had my psychiatrist’s appointment and both Rui and my mom went with me. Then I spend the afternoon with mom, going to McDonald’s, talking, laughing. Not that much, though. Not as much as we used to. I don’t seem to find so many things to laugh about these days. I also don’t really feel like talking so I’m definitely poor company.  Apparently I don’t like to be held or touched or hugged either, as of late. This one is new. It makes me sad. Will I ever be the person I used to be? The funny one, always telling a joke, talking way too much and hugging everyone. Maybe she’s gone. I hadn’t noticed until today.

I don’t know myself anymore, most times. I take 10 pills a day, I’m always exhausted, I don’t have a job, I’m often dizzy, my hands shake, I’m way bigger than I used to be. Until a few weeks ago everything was fine, I was a blogger. I was a good, successful one. Now I’m one who doesn’t feel like writing.

Please, tell me there’s someone else out there feeling the same way. Far from their own person. Unknown to themselves. A tiny bit of what they used to be.

Will I ever come back to myself? I wish I do. I miss her..

Cheila

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31 thoughts on “I miss her…

  1. pjane101 says:

    Trust me it takes some time. I have found myself to be very distant to others, but then I crave companionship. People to talk too. But then I find myself laying in bed staring at the ceiling and no having the energy or the will to leave the bed. Sometimes you need to take a break from the world, let your mind reset, and rest. with what you tell us, you are going through a lot and you should take advantage of rest,even if it means stepping back from blogging. Come back when you crave to blog. That doesn’t mean to stop writing, by all means pick up a couple of journals from when creativity comes and when you feel like writing. Because when you finally feel like blogging again you will still have content/material, etc. Also, if you cannot seem to reset, go out and experience life as you can. Don’t force your self to produce when your heart’s not in it. I once read, “if you write for the world you lose yourself”, there was more to the quote, but I forget it. Don’t lose yourself is my point. And you will come back to how you once were. Don’t worry.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. May @ Forever and Everly says:

    Aw, Cheila! I think we all feel this way. It’s always horrible when negativity takes over us, but I promise the positive in your life will come back. Keep fighting. Do things that you used to love and maybe you’ll come back to yourself sooner. πŸ™‚ ❀

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  3. Linda says:

    Oh Cheila…

    Reading this absolutely breaks my heart.
    I am so so sorry that you are feeling this way.

    I definitely go through my ups and downs with blogging. But it sounds like .. what you are going through .. isn’t entirely blogging related.

    Would it help to do a few, maybe even private, in depth diary entries? Get all those feelings out of you. Empty out your soul and see what’s left. When I find myself in moments of darkness, dairying helps me.

    I hope you feel better soon. Because I have no doubt that you will bounce back! πŸ’œ

    Liked by 2 people

  4. BeaFreitas says:

    YES!!! Yes you will get back to yourself. Trust me on this. I know what you’re feeling, I was just in a similar position a couple of weeks ago. Something is wrong, you can’t quite pin point it but you don’t feel yourself and all you want is to leave your own body because it doesn’t feel yours anymore. You want to laugh, you want to make jokes, you want to be your “normal” self but something is fighting you, something that seems strong. It’s okay to feel this way. You’ll become stronger, you’ll become better and you’ll definitely become the happy and funny person you once were but it’s not going to be easy. You have to fight. Get up each morning with a purpose. Get up each morning determined to get out of the house and get fresh air. Get up each morning and meditate. Trust me, I found meditating helped. Try yoga too to stretch the body, the mind and help with breathing. You have to find your own happiness. Whatever you do, do not give up. Keep fighting because the happy Cheila is in there and she WILL come out. Give it time, be patient with yourself. Know your strong because you are. You are a warrior and you will get through this. Patience, calmness and happiness. Best of luck on your journey. Focus on you, you’re important. x

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Ella May Garrett says:

    You will get back to yourself, I have every faith in you. I can totally empathise with your thoughts at the moment and there is an end to it all. You are an inspiring and phenomenal person and every follower of yours is hear for you and will patiently wait until you’re back in full force. I totally agree with Bea, focus on yourself right now. Meditation may do some good too! Lots of love xxxx

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  6. Sascha Darlington says:

    You’ll come back. Give yourself some peace. There are days when some things seem overwhelming, even the things you love to do. But then you’ll feel like doing it again and all will be good. πŸ™‚

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  7. sewtonya says:

    You will get better! This made me sad reading this. And while I have only been following you roughly two months I believe things will get better. You have a strong blogging community behind you. You got this.

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  8. abbeycoseattle says:

    Oh girl, I can so feel your pain. For me it all started with postpartum depression & anxiety… my daughter is 2 and a half now and my anxiety is still not managed at all. I take medication and still struggle with panic disorder, I don’t even know why honestly. I feel okay emotionally, but then find myself dizzy, my eyesight blurred, and just not feeling well quite a bit. Physically I have been told there is nothing wrong that it is just anxiety, so I am not sure what to do. I try relaxing, yoga, breathing, aromatherapy, ice cream (lol) which all helps a little but I am so struggling getting back to baseline. Normally I am a very fun, fit and outgoing person, and I am having such a hard time being happy and wanting to do things. My husband asked me what would make me feel better, and I told him that I want a grumpy cat so I can have a little pal that looks the same on the outside as I feel on the inside (dramatic I know). The only thing I would say is that I have suffered from anxiety and depression for years, and though I go through tough times, I do go through happy times too. So even though I am stuck in about 3 years of funk, I am hopeful that I will turn a corner soon. Wishing you the best. Just do what you can!

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  9. Margaret from soulfood101blog says:

    I feel like that at least once a day :):) But seriously, you are not alone. I have been through this, many times. I call it my deep, dark pit of despair. How bad is it that I have a name for it? I’d smile but know it was fake. I didn’t want to be touched, converse, heck sweetie, you’re doing better than me because you actually left the house. You’re making an effort. When I’d get like that, I’d stay away to myself for WEEKS. There is no grocery store, McDonalds, nothing. Everything is canceled. It use to be so bad, I’d wake up crying, I don’t mean out of a dream, no, wake up in the morning, crying. I don’t even want to tell you where my mind would go, other than I would be tired of life, if this is all there is, will I ever be “me” again. Now after all that doom and gloom, the light at the end of the tunnel πŸ™‚ It is better, I am better. It only happens occasionally and not for long periods, as in not for days and days. I am genuinely happy most all the time :):) Am I happy ALL the time? No, I don’t know anyone who is, but it’s not an every minute, everyday thing anymore. I’m praying this cloud will leave you, and you will feel like you again.

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  10. gracie chick says:

    I don’t know what to say to make you feel better about life and about yourself. You’re an amazing person and everyone in the blogosphere who knows you likes you and admires you. Keep on doing what you do, you’re so kind, thoughtful and lovely. Don’t give up…

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  11. oldhouseintheshires says:

    I felt so sad reading this lovely girl. All I can do is to send you (((hugs))) over the Internet. Remember, you are not alone. You have a loving family surrounding you. I practise mindfulness. Focus on the here. The now. The one tiny thing that may lift you. The sunshining on a plant, the shoes you so love or the face of a loved one. Xxx

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  12. Amelia in Hull says:

    Awwwww Cheila i feel so sad now I’ve read this post!! It’s always hard when negativity takes over but just keep on going I promise you things will get better ❀ we are all here for you 😘 xx

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  13. thetantrumsofsilence says:

    Hey Cheila, I have known about your past encounters with depression. But I didn’t realised it’s still ruining your state.
    Come on! You are brave and you can definitely fight this.😊
    Go out, embrace nature and its offerings. Get yourself involved in something, ‘anything’ which can introduce you with lots of bliss present in the world. Maybe a trip can help!
    You need to love life and discover yourself anew.
    I am sure, you’ll be fine. Right?
    Get us all informed till then. Get well soon. ❀

    Like

  14. paulliverstravels says:

    To blog or not to blog… it’s not the end of the world. When you have thoughts but don’t feel like writing complete sentences, just jot down a few notes and get on with what your life needs right now.

    Like

  15. styleintheafternoon says:

    I have no doubt you will come back to yourself! I agree with everyone in the comments saying you need to take time for yourself. Some TLC and lots of rest will do wonders. I have had times where I feel distant and it sucks. You want to reach out, but sometimes you just can’t. Just know that we are all here for you and will be here when you come back! xx
    Lots of love,
    Natalie

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  16. Eccentric Muse says:

    I am heartbroken to read this, but we’ve been there at some point in our life. I hope this soon pass for you. We’re all here for you. ❀

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  17. myhearinglossstory says:

    Sending you my love Cheila. You are a great blogger, and I’m sure that (if you want to) you can continue to be so. We all have times where we don’t know what to write, or can’t bring ourselves to do things. I am feeling only a part of the person that I used to be, due to health issues. Although it’s not down to depression, I still can relate to that feeling of not being my ‘self’. It’s good to plan things to look forward to. Make a list (lists are good πŸ™‚ ) of a few nice things you can do this weekend/next week. Take care darling, and take time to feel better. Xx

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  18. Oriana says:

    Don’t worry Cheila, you will get yourself back, even if it’s a slightly different version of you 😊 it’s ok to change a little too ! Hope you’ll feel better soon dear πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

    Like

  19. Dee says:

    I’ve been taking care of my mom for the last few years after she had a nervous breakdown and I am all too familiar, as a bystander, to what you are going through. I feel for you. I wouldn’t wish these lows on my worst enemy. My best advice: talk through it with your doctor and your loved ones, try not to push those away that are in your corner (that is so hard), and keep that picture of what you miss about yourself in the back of your mind. Every day is a new day. Keep your head up. ❀

    Like

  20. Cherylene says:

    It pains me to read this post and I’m a bit disappointed that I did not get to sooner. Cheila, you will always be the caring, helpful, fun, awesome blogger we’ve all come to know and appreciate. I understand that you’re having a difficult time right now but this too shall pass. Hold onto those good memories and moments for those experiences are the ones that would make you smile again. Take it one day at time my dear. Best wishes to you. Make this weekend a great one!

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  21. lifeisaseasyas says:

    Trust me. You are not the only one who feels like this. I am tired, weak and getting way overweight no matter how hard I try. I’ve got circles under my eyes and I’m wearing baggy hoodies and doing random stuff. I have no idea of what’s wrong and I AM SO TIRED and bored. Also, I never feel like blogging. I don’t know what’s wrong but I never feel happy either, and I have nothing to do. Please help…. and don’t worry, we will go through this together xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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