Hello dear friends,
I have some confessions to make, things that live in my mind and that you might like to know, in order to get to know me better. Some are fun, some are sad, but they all come from this crazy mind of mine. There you go:
- I always get in the shower promising myself that I will put on moisturizer after I finish showering but I never do. I mean, of course I put on moisturizer. Once a month?
- There are days when I don’t drink any water. I completely forgot. Healthy, right?
- I have been known to forget my students. More than once someone has called me or showed up at my office when I wasn’t there, or when I was there, teaching someone else. Sometimes I forget their names too. They seem to like me anyway, as they bring me gifts all the time and are usually super nice.
- When I look myself in the mirror, I hate myself. I think “oh my, you have completely let yourself go. You’re fat and squishy and you have so many stretch marks that your body resembles a road map”
- I envy people who have nice, long fingernails, with a perfect manicure. I eat mine for lunch. I wish I could look that put together.
- I hate Cristiano Ronaldo.
- I always think that my all my friends love each other more than they love me. I have had the same thought for eight years.
- Sometimes I accidentally kick or punch my dog and I feel really guilty but then she licks me like “it’s okay mom”.
- I’m ashamed to eat in public. If I eat a salad, people might thing “Oh, look at that little fat girl, at least she’s trying” and if I eat a pizza they might think “Look at that fat pig, stuffing herself”
- Sometimes I ignore people’s calls on purpose. Just because I don’t feel like talking at that moment.
- I’m finishing my degree just to finish my degree. My dream has always been and will always be to be a doctor. Can I live without pursuing that dream? I don’t think so. What am I going to do? I wish I knew.
- I hate when people touch my food. Unless I offer.
- I have had my heart broken real bad. It still hurts after seven years.
- I miss all the people I used to be friends with but am no longer in touch. For me, people don’t just stop being my friends. Even if they disappear from my life. I wish I could get them all back.
- When I go to the pharmacy for my prescriptions I feel ashamed to be buying 8 different depression related pills.
- When I ride a bus, I never sit because I’m afraid to take too much space. I know I’m not THAT fat but I don’t want to touch people or bother them.
- I’m afraid to change in front of Rui. I do it out of habit but I’m afraid he might find me disgusting because I’m so different from how I was when we first started dating.
- I think my friends think I’m a little crazy, should not take so many pills and that they don’t understand my depression at all. I think that they believe I could do something about it if I tried really hard. Please tell them I can’t?
- I could never buy condoms if I had to. I would die of shame. I am ashamed to buy tampons or pads if the register person is a man.
- I’ve only farted in front of my boyfriend after 4 years. So… this month. I’m so disappointed. I thought I was a lady and only farted in front of my sister and dog.
- I really want to be a mother. If it was for me I would be pregnant right now. But we don’t have the ideal financial situation (at all), my health is a mess and I cannot start a pregnancy 30 kg overweight.
- I wish I had the energy I had when I was younger, just a few years back. At one point I was a tutor, taught Literature at a senior citizen university, worked at H&M, was at school, was a baby-sitter for 2 or 3 hours from Monday – Friday and did freelance translations. Now I have work and university and my house and all seems too much. Back then, whatever came up, I would do it. I was involved in a million projects.
- Blogging has filled a whole in my life that I had for a long time. I always felt something was missing and blogging has taken that feeling away. It’s one of the most important things in my life right now and I take it very seriously.
- I want another dog. Or a cat. Or guinea pigs. But ideally a dog to keep Rosa company. Again, we don’t have the money or the ideal situation for that.
- I feel that, in life, I always get the short end of the stick. Since I was a child. I never get what I want, life always kicks my but.
- I envy those 25-year-old married women, mothers of five. I know people judge them, but I admire them. I’ve always wanted to be a young mom of many. And to get married young.
- I hate Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Flies, every Lord.
- I had 5 years of French. Can I speak? Baguette.
- I’m more afraid of the gynecologist than the dentist. It freaks me out.
- I would like to be a stay-at-home mom and home-school but people don’t do that in my country/culture. They would say I don’t want to work and would call me weird for keeping my kids away from school or regular education. Come on, I teach other people’s kids…
- I’m afraid of so many things but I’m deeply afraid of death, tragedies, criticism and failure.
- I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be at 25. I feel guilty for that.
And I guess that’s it for today, my dear friends. Get to know a little of my mind and heart. Would you like to confess something?
Love you all. xo
Do you think heartbreak is something that is recoverable or is it one of those things that we as people are forced to carry, perhaps it differs from person to person I guess
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Hmm.. I think it depends. Some things change something in you that you can never get back so you cannot recover because you can no longer be the person you were before.
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You are woman full of life dear Cheila. Yes i also ignore people sometimes, i have phases of anger and time when i like to be alone. I am fanatic and when i wish something or someone i don’t give up easily. I am hard rival ,so recently one guy gave me compliment that is hard to fight with me and it was cool of him . I don’t like makeup, only when i need to go out in evening i put some colors, otherwise i prefer natural style. Now i could talk forever, but wish you nice day.
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Thank you for some confessions, dear Kristina. Have a really nice day!
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I always like what you post. It seems that we are the same at some point. Sometimes, I ignore people’s call because I just don’t feel like it. I don’t like people staring at me and start laughing. In my mind I killed them thousand times in different ways. Lol. Cheer up, Cheila. 😊☺️
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Thank you, dear Judy.
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You’re welcome. It’s nice that blogging can help us, one way or another. Just post whatever you feel and I know, I’ll relate in some point. 😊
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It’s good that you can relate. We must have a lot in common.
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I think so, too 😊☺️
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I love reading your posts because you’re not alone!
I totally relate to the moisturiser thing! I get itchy dry legs and I always vow I’ll put more moisturiser on but I’m so bad at actually doing so!
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I get those too. They look like they’re going through a drought lol
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Do you as well run confession page ? Wondering if you could visit my blog and reblog six word stories if you liked it 😉
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What about Lord of the Dance?
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Which one is that?
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Ah, it’s just an old Irish musical they used to advertise all the time. Just look up Michael Flatley, and all your questions shall be answered. 😀
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hahaha I will.
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Thank you for being so honest in this post! It’s so easy to try to act “perfect” on social media, so I appreciate this.
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I wish I were perfect, I really do. But I’m not so.. you get me, the way I am.
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I do too, but I think imperfection is beautiful ❤ We all have flaws, that's what makes us human.
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It is very upsetting whenever you talk about depression and related stuffs..you have to come out of your many preconceived notions and try seeing it with a fresh view…pills can’t help you but humans can….Instead of trying different kind of pills ,it would be better if you share your words with Persons with various temperaments…who knows you find the key there….And as you said Blogging has provided you with something positive so this is it , shred off your depression through words not pills…And Yes ladies are humans too so feel free to add the aroma 😉 and that too when you know you have no moral police around,it’s your den ,do whatever you like….And fat is cute…So are you…Hugs 😘
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Unfortunately I’m followed by doctors and I must take my pills.
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Oh in that case I shouldn’t interfere…
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But thank you for your advice! It means a lot, really
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you’re perfect just the way you are and we like you just the way you are. those who think bad of you aren’t worth worrying about anywho.
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Thank you so much!!
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Never be ashamed of yourself, or who you are, Cheila! It’s very hard to, because we are a society who judges based on looks, but you must tell yourself that you don’t care about those thoughts–and they are just strangers; they may think that you are a “fat little girl” or a “fat little pig”, but then it will pass because they have better things to do in their life than judge. And hey, my family and I were fostering a guinea pig! He has been adopted now (and my mom is very sad lol), but guinea pigs are the cutest!
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Thank you, May. You’re very sweet. I want one lol
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I think “baguette” is the best and only word you need to know in French anyway! Some of these I could have written myself, though it makes me sad you share them (hating yourself when you look in the mirror, heartbreak still hurting after so many years…) It’s very honest and heartfelt of you to write all of these, and it’s good to get to know ‘you’ a little better. Perhaps I should do a confessional post myself, if I have enough hours to dedicate to writing such a long list! 🙂
Caz x
http://www.invisiblyme.com
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Do one, I would love to read what goes on in your mind 🙂 Thank you for the support!
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Haha! This was nice to read. I’m not Cristiano Ronaldo’s biggest fan, but I don’t hate him and I like the fact that he’s driven and determined. I love that he pushes, and pushes to make himself better at what he does. I wish I had five years of that beautiful language! Cheila, you’re you. You’re unique and I simply love how open you are. Don’t you dare worry about people who don’t or can’t accept you the way you are. No one is darn perfect, so let them point their fingers, but please, continue being you.
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Thank you. I’m glad you like me 🙂 This is a very nice comment. You’re always so kind.
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You’re hard not to like & I like this about you! ❤
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Thank you!!!!
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This is irrelevant to the post.. I just mean to say that I completed your 500th follower which I feel happy about 😁
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YOU DID!!!! Thank you so much!!!
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Pleasure
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“I had 5 years of French. Can I speak? Baguette.” – this really made me laugh! I think you’re a person with so many layers, and I think you feel a lot – I’m the same. I really feel a lot of the things you said, and I too wish I could be in a position to be a Mum and have a dog (a pug preferably!) – you’re not alone in any of this and thank you for being so frank and honest. x x x
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment and I’m glad you can relate. I love pugs!! We have a lot in common, I see. Sending hugs. xo
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Aaaah that post really made me laugh! I often feel the same, literally – you are not alone.
Very refreshing ❤
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Thank you so much!!
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Lovely heart felt blog, interesting points and also that there’s so many of us with similar thoughts!
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Yes, I’m so surprised that so many people can relate to me!
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I think it’s heart felt I only put recipes on because I feel uncomfortable! But would love to be able to do what you can !
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It’s not easy. But you could slowly try. Follow your heart and post about what you feel.
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Thank you chela ! I might just try, and thanks for your comments 😊
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Of course!! Also, cooking is a way of self-expression too
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That is a fair bit of introspection 🙂 My confessions would go along the lines of carrying a thin skin on me and feeling hurt too easy. I have lost friends and I tell myself that friends are not forever. Friends will come and go but the happy times remain in the memory along with the sadness of missing them. I burp when I overeat once in a while So many insecurities I hold in this head of mine too. I get you. Though I do like Ronaldo and I do not want to have babies 😉
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We all have insecurities. That’s something we all share, unfortunately. Thank you for reading and making some confessions too ♡
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I would have made more but then I realised how much I would have rambled. And you know I have a propensity for it 😉
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You could ramble all you want. I like to read you 🙂
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Gee thanks. Next time 🙂
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I feel a lot of these things too 👍🏼😘 you’re not alone. Just brave for saying them!! X
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You’re sweet. Thank you!
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I really loved this post. It really put things in perspective for me to know that there are other people out there who share the same baggage as I do! Many points to you for putting them in words for others to read. I’m glad you did.
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Thank you for reading!!
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Hi beautiful! I loved this post, it’s very raw and honest. I have similar confessions regarding friends , heartbreak, insecurities, young mom envy and marriage envy. I will be 29 next month and no where near what I wanted to be. I wanted to be married by now for sure, was engaged and he up and left one Sunday morning. Left all his things even. So much for those non-refundable wedding deposits that I contributed to 🙄. That was in 2015 and still fighting aftermath of it.
Anyway! Know we are all works in progress and as hard as it is when we have mental issues – we just have to TRY to trust the process eh? We got this and everything will start falling into place ❤️❤️
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My friend… I had no idea you had gone through something like this and so recently. My heart really aches for you and for knowing that there are such shitty people out there, that would do something like that.
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🙏🏻 thank you – unfortunately there are. Jerks 🙄it’s okay. For the best right!?
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you are such an honest, wonderful writer!
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it’s so amazing to hear that. thank you
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No problem x
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I found myself so often nodding along to your list! Especially the things about friends and friendships! I used to be a lot more outgoing and would love to spend time with friends from school but then they moved along with their lives and I was just stuck in this weird place and kind of let myself fall out of touch with the girls I spend my last years of high school with because of it. Sometimes I really regret it!
This was overall a really great post and I wish I had the guts to be as honest with others and probably even myself!
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Thank you so much for reading!! I actually have great friends, I just don’t know how to talk to them about my depression. I’m ashamed and I feel stupid because they knew me when I was well. so they can see the damage. You can be this honest, you just have to write straight from the heart. Don’t be afraid of anyone.
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I feel like talking about one’s depression isnt easy! I didnt even want to bring it up to my doctor, even though she had mentioned it to me a couple of months ago as a possibility but I denied it. So I cant imagine how difficult it might be to talk to people in your life about it!
I might try doing what you did in my journal and in a more private way first.
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I understand. But it truly helps. Immensely. And I’m not one to talk about my feelings much. I wasn’t. Until this blog.
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*Hugs* You’re gorgeous, lady! ❤ Inside and out! I know body image issues can be hard to deal with sometimes, but you deserve to enjoy yourself when out and about just as much as anyone else with any other body type. Anyone who would say otherwise to you is the real waste of space and can piss off. 😉
And yes, I agree, it can be so hard coping with depression and having people just say "get over it" or other things like that. I have horrible anxiety and worry far too much about making mistakes and wasting time in my life on the wrong things. I was talking to my mom about it just recently and she was like "You have to stop thinking like that" and it's like, "Mom, I can't just switch it off, or believe me, I WOULD." She's a great mom though and normally gets it, I just think it's hard for her to see me at my low points sometimes.
We just gotta take it one day at a time and keep working on things that will help make us happy. 🙂
I've been trying to focus on my writing, being healthier (I've just lost 10 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks) and am working on some other goals as well. I'm kind of doing a lot all at once right now but I'm hoping to do a lot of self improvement this year. Can't change things unless I work hard at it. 😀
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Yes, it’s not their fault if they don’t understand. My mom is just the same. They think we have some sort of control over it, which we don’t. I think people believe that we could do something if we really wanted to, they cannot accept that it is not up to us. My mother always says “nothing is stronger than your mind!”… well, my mind is not very good right now, is it?
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I’m in no position to be giving you advice, but I sense so much hate/dissatisfaction 😔 😢 I don’t know you personally but from your blogs, you seem like a beautiful person. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Happiness isn’t supposed to be when you achieve everything you want; it should be now. I’m sure you have things to be grateful for. You may not have everything you wish but no one has it all. Love who you are, and surround yourself with people who make you appreciate you. You are a beautiful person, inside out. I hope you realize and never forget that. Also, pray. Trust in and pray to God. Best believe me when I say He hears. I appreciate you!! Enjoy your evening!
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Thank you so much for reading!!
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I love that this was so real and showed vulnerability that you don’t have to share with the world. I also felt like I was reading one of my own entries. I’m sure many of us can relate! Many of us are not where we want to be in life Unfortunately. So you are not alone💕But we have to learn to love and accept ourself for who we are, there’s so many people in the world and we often want to look or be like someone else. Bigger people are body shamed to want to be skinny, skinnier people are body shamed to want to be thick. Straight hair, curly hair, light skin vs dark skin it’s all just a mess. Obviously we’re all beautiful if we want to look like each other lol. You are beautiful. You are brave, funny, and very kind hearted! Even those of us who definitely don’t deserve to get out hearts broken, still do. But keep your head up! Your heart has to be broken, in order to open. Which was a quote I learned from one of my favorite singers lol it kind of makes great sense. Pain hurts and Sucks but you become wiser. All of that pain, you will appreciate so much when things get better.
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This is such a lovely comment. I’m thankful that you read the post and happy that you could relate. We are certainly not alone. Thank you so much for the encouragement and advice. You’re amazing!
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Alwaysss❤️
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I love how real and funny you are, even about sad and scary things, because we can be funny and sad and scared at the same time, or at least you can. Having more of a sense of humor is one of my goals. Sometimes I can be too serious, especially in my writing. But back to you, because this is your blog. Being so real helps us know we are not alone in our fears, and thoughts we thought were strange, are not as strange, in fact, some of your confessions are pretty healthy, like: Sometimes I ignore people’s calls on purpose. Just because I don’t feel like talking at that moment. When I was your age 🙂 we didn’t even have answering machines, let alone, cell phones. But now we have voice mail to take messages so we don’t have to answer the phone if we don’t feel like it. When you write that you’re not as far along as you thought you’d be at 25, I think,25, that’s so young! I felt the same way at 25, but I eventually caught up with myself, even thought I didn’t save the world. I did okay and so will you. Take all the time you need to become who you want to be. And you can even re-invent yourself when you’re 60, like I did. Thanks for following, “Anything is Possible!”
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It’s a pleasure to meet you JoAnna. This is a very nice comment and it is really interesting to know about your experience. You make me feel like everything will be okay, because I can always reinvent myself. There’s always a chance, right? Please keep coming to my blog and inspiring me with your knowledge. Sending a big hug.
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big hug 🙂
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I feel old! I wanted to be settled by the time I was 30 with someone who I could start a family with. I’m now 34 and the media says so much about how fertility declines after 35. However, recently talked to a doctor who had previously worked in fertility and he said I should be fine. Next step to come off my anti anxiety medication. Whilst I have not been a Mum then I have been having fun doing other things!
I hate people saying plenty of time to get sorted but then reading your confessions, I wish I could be 25 again and still have that tune to get sorted.
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34 is not old at all, you still have plenty of time to do whatever you want and to change whatever you feel like you should! You have your whole life ahead of you!
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[…] Confessions […]
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You’re not alone!! Your honesty was so admirable in this, you’re a beautiful person inside and out! Hey, screw Lord of the Rings 😉 hahaha
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hahahaha thank you for saying that!! You’re so sweet
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[…] Confessions […]
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Cheila, you are wonderful. What a neat idea for a post! The thing you said about studying French (and baguette) is very funny. Sending you big hugs and blessings, Debbie ps – have a wonderful weekend
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Hey Debbie!! Thank you so much!! Yep, that’s how far my French goes. I know a few more words I guess. Strangely (or not) they’re only food! I would love to see this post coming from you!
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I can understand why – food is very important. 🙂
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I am inspired by your honesty and commitment I’m sure your friends love you just as much as others and by the way don’t worry about being overweight.You are beautiful ❤️
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What a sweet comment! Thank you so much
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No problem x
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