The diary of my anxiety

I know I’ve posted today and that you guys must be sick of me, but there’s a lot going on my mind today. My anxiety is through the roof, even being on medication. I get back to work the day after tomorrow, after being gone for weeks. My students know that I’m sick, but they have no idea what it is. I don’t tell them (well, most of them) about my depression. They know that I go to endless doctor’s appointments, that I need to miss work sometimes, but they have no idea why. Should I tell them? I had never been gone for so long, maybe they will want answers. Should I be honest? Do they have a right to know? Won’t they think I’m less professional? Some people are very prejudiced when it comes to depression because they don’t understand it. They think you’re down and sad and weak and that you should just pull yourself together. Maybe some of my students are like that. Maybe they will think I’m weak, crazy, faking it or just being dramatic. I’ve heard all of these from people. On the other hand, why would I care what they think? They don’t know what I’ve been going through. They’re no one to judge. Maybe they won’t even do it. They are usually nice and kind. And then, then there’s me, feeling ridiculous because I’m worried about what my students might think of me. Why do I care? I don’t need other people’s approval. If they don’t like it, they can find another teacher. I don’t care what they think. I shouldn’t care.

Then, there’s the part of me that is simply scared of going back out there. Leaving my home, where I’ve been resting, without the usual stress, to get back to running a business and trying to be a girl boss. Maybe I need more time. Time to rest and heal. Can I afford that? I don’t know. I’m afraid I will get back to work and that it will all come down falling on me at once. The responsibility, the constant calls, emails, text messages, meetings, schedules, homework, cancellations, taxes, the whole thing. What if I go back and I can’t do it. I came home because I was in bad shape. Exhaustion and sleep problems were getting the better of me. I’m better now. My depression medication seems to be working. I’m calmer, I’m happy, I’m enjoying life, making plans and full of energy to go back and take on the world. But that’s just on my mind. My mind and body are usually not in good terms. What if I go back and I feel as bad as I felt before? That dreading to wake up in the morning, dragging all day and looking at my clock all the time, thinking when I was finally going to be able to go home and rest, just to start all over again the next day? What if I go back and feel like shit? What if I can’t do shit? I’m so scared.

Also, I’ve been thinking about specific situations that I need to take care of, all the time. I need to reduce my schedules, change the hours. Be done by 7. That’s what my boyfriend and I agreed. I’m going back to work now, but I can’t work later than 7. We need to come home early, relax a little, do our own stuff and live our lives. He’s very exhausted as well. We’ve been doing this working endless hours thing for years. We need a life. I know he needs to slow down as much as I do. The problem is, I have students from 7 to 10. Every single day if I want to. If I gave them the chance, they would schedule classes for Saturday and Sunday as well. But I can’t. I’m going to have to talk to all these people and tell them that I can’t work after seven. I will give them the option of joining them in two groups. If I do that, I keep the students and only work late two days a week. If they don’t want it, I might lose them, lose money. What if they get mad? What if they think I’m failing them because I can no longer work nights? I hate to disappoint. It scares the shit out of me. I’m dreading and fearing these conversations. And they will happen this week, starting the day after tomorrow. I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to say and how they will react.

This is what has been on my mind, every second of every day since I came home. I rest, but my mind doesn’t keep up. I’m always worrying a little. Sometimes a lot. My anxiety is always there. It’s like it has a life of its own. It should have its own diary.

 

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32 thoughts on “The diary of my anxiety

  1. Kaitlin says:

    You got this!
    I don’t know if this helps, but I have found my depression and anxiety gets better if I just keep moving. I have to wake up, get ready, go to work, come home and go to bed. If I can keep enough noise going on around me then I don’t think about it. That may not be healthy, but I think it’s helping me at least deal with my emotions in a more productive way than laying in bed. Also, I’ve found “floating” every other week helps a lot. It’s an hour of time I can give myself to soak in whatever it is I am feeling and then when my hour is up I get out and get busy again.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. lolostrong says:

    On whether you should tell the children: Will it help them or be a distraction? It may depend on their age. Teens might understand but the feedback might go in a bad direction. Young children may not understand. I would leave it that you weren’t well but you are better now.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. englishwithkirsty says:

    I don’t really know what to say that might be helpful, but I didn’t just want to read this then walk on by without saying anything. You need to do what’s right for you, and time with your boyfriend is precious. Often the conversations we think about for hours in advance never turn out to be as bad as we imagine them. I stopped working nights too but I did it by raising the prices for them – then everyone miraculously found time during the day! I realise this isn’t the same as you because you already sound fully booked, whereas I had some daytime slots, but just to say things work themselves out if you work out your boundaries and try to stick to them. Hope it all goes well tomorrow.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Eccentric Muse says:

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Chelia, but you’re stronger than what you give yourself credit for, so keep hanging in there. On telling the students given that they’re adults, maybe someone in the class might be able to relate to you and help give you a slice of comfort. Or maybe someone is going through the same thing and you telling them might be able to help that person. In the end, it’s up to you. Take care! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. ignitedmoth says:

    *Hugs* Anxiety is hard, I have it too, and it’s so incredibly frustrating. I wish you the best of luck in the days to come. I don’t think you’ll have to worry about giving your students any sort of explanation. I had teachers miss time and I don’t recall any of us ever really digging for information. It’s up to you what you’re willing to share with them, and I’m sure that they’ll just be glad to have you back. 🙂 Do what you need to do to take care of you, find time to breathe and clear your head if you can, and hang in there. It’s difficult sometimes, I know, but try to take it one day at a time if you can. I think giving your self time in the evenings like you mentioned is a great idea. Then you have that comfort time to look forward to through the day. If it gets stressful than you can at least try to think of it all as a count down until you get to that precious time at home.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. soulfood101blog says:

    I wish I had the words that would calm and ease your mind. Slow those racing thoughts, slow that heart rate. I can understand, but I know there is nothing I can say. Nothing anyone said to me would take away that physical, emotional feeling of being at the crest of that rollercoaster right before it starts its fall. I will pray that you get relief, that peace will come, that calm will settle on you. God Bless you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. abbeycoseattle says:

    I live the anxiety life too. I’m so sorry you are struggling so hard. If you ever need a blog friend to vent to I will lend an ear. Talking openly with strangers in forums like this actually helps me with mine, I think because with friends/family/coworkers I worry what they would think of me if I told them how badly I felt. I worry they would think what my anxiety is about is ridiculous. But on here with other people who suffer from anxiety it just feels like support from others who understand the feeling 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Neal says:

    Every choice in life sets us on a different path and carries its own set of “what ifs” and consequences that we could worry about, but what’s the use? Rather than plaguing our thoughts with the unknown, we should focus on and accept only what we do know – and all we know is the path we’re currently on.

    Liked by 1 person

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