Long title, huh?
Did you get the sheet joke? I meant shit, but since I was talking about laundry and could avoid a curse word (which I never, ever, always use)… whatever, I’m sure I was the only one laughing about it.
Today I want to talk to you about all the ways I don’t have my shit together. How my life is a mess right now. This is way I’m writing Friday favorites on a Saturday, late as always. To be honest, my health is still kind of crazy so I stayed home most of the week, which makes me really said. There aren’t many favorites and maybe that’s why I didn’t write a post yesterday, because I had nothing. The only good thing about my week was the fact that I went back to university, although I had to miss a day, already. So, no favorites.
The problem this week is with my sleep. They gave me a new sleep medication when I went to the new psychiatrist but it was not working at all. I called her, she changed it and it was still not working. Finally, yesterday, I called her and she changed it again. I slept well enough, let’s see if I can keep it that way. So I’ve already had 2 medication changes since my big change, a week ago. Not nice. Since I couldn’t sleep I was either in zombie mode or high as a kite mode (I’m kind of exaggerating but you get the picture – too drowsy and exhausted to do anything), so I had to take the week off, miss one day of classes, miss one doctor’s appointment (they called me with an opening but I couldn’t make it), miss my therapy, miss endless hours of work – which means losing money. My students are very understanding because they know I’m sick and because I used to work 5 12 hour days a week and never miss a day, but I’m losing money anyway. I feel like, for the past few weeks, I’ve been disappointing them, not taking care of my business, not earning enough money, not doing enough. I know it’s because I have this damn depression and that health comes first but I hate to fail. Right now, I’m failing in so many areas.
My boyfriend gets the short end of the stick because he takes care of our finances and when there’s less money, he needs to handle that, do all the math, the cutting and adjusting. I feel like, right now, I’m a burden to him in many ways. I’m the sick one, the needy one. The one that we spend so much money on, with treatments and medicine and whatever. The one he needs to take care of sometimes. I’m so sorry. I never wanted him to feel this pressure and responsibility. I wish I could go back to my super productive self.
Before I got worse, I used to make a reasonable amount of money, except when I had a bad month or when someone didn’t pay me on time. Now, for the last few weeks, I haven’t made much because I earn by the hour. If I don’t work, I earn nothing.
My diet is so bad, I know I should change it, I know enough about nutrition to know what to eat, but I live on cereal and milk and coffee. Why? Laziness? Comfort? Probably. Why do I do this to myself? I know I need to eat better to get better. To drink more water.
The house used to be cleaned every weekend. Now? Not always. I have a pile of dishes in the sink from the whole week! I should be ashamed to be telling you this. I have so much laundry to do again. It never ends. There was a time when laundry was done on the weekends and I would pick, iron, separate all of our outfits for the week. I loved that kind of organization, it worked wonderfully. It didn’t last for long.
We try to meal plan, but then we either cook it and don’t eat the whole thing or end up not cooking anything. We need groceries, it seems like we’re always out of something. I used to know what we needed at all times, but know, I always forget about everything.
We need to do a budget, to write down all of our many expenses. We have been talking about this for months and never organize it.
I have so many things that I need to do, an endless list that I never get to. I should be strong and get to it. Maybe I will show it to you later, to keep me accountable.
I stopped reading and listening to music, doing my crochet, knitting, coloring, baking.
I never find time to meet my friends, see my family more often, call that person, text that friend.
Don’t even get me started on working out. Last Summer, for about a month I went swimming often. One week, I went 4 times. I felt awesome. I should get back to it. Just go to the pool, do a workout video, sign up for yoga or Pilates or a Zumba class.
I take 0 care of myself. I need a dentist appointment desperately, my back is killing me, I forget to put on moisturizer, lip balm, to take good care of my face and skin, hair and body. I’m a hot mess.
Yap, this is the hot mess list. I’m sorry for the negativity but I needed to vent a little. I feel like I have 0 control over my life right now.
What about you? Does anyone want to share their hot mess list with me? What are you failing at? Maybe we can encourage each other.