I’m so glad this week is over because it was a really bad one. It will be very difficult to come up with any favorites at all, because I can’t think of any good thing that has happened to me since last week. When I say I’ve had a bad week, I’m talking about my mental health so, if you don’t like to read about this type of thing or if you feel uncomfortable with the subject of depression this post is not for you. If you are going to read it anyway, I’m sorry about the negativity. I promise I will try to end on a positive note to balance it.
I stayed home, in bed, all day, three days of this week. My energy levels are so low that I almost can’t get up to go to the bathroom. I feel really useless and really sad because there is so much that I would like to be doing but my body and mind just don’t cooperate. I also don’t want to be a burden on my boyfriend, but I know that I am. How can I explain to you how I really feel? It’s hard to put into words but, imagine that you haven’t slept in three days, you have a huge headache, your back hurts like hell and you cannot, for the life of you, get out of bed in the morning. You have no strength, no power, no will. Your body and mind don’t function like they should, so you can’t do any of the things that you’re supposed to do. Even simple everyday things like getting out f bed, taking a shower and getting dress seem like impossible tasks. This is the best explanation that I have for you but, if you’ve never felt it, I know for sure that you will not understand what I’m trying to describe and for that I am sorry.
For three of five days of this week I was completely useless and almost non-existent and that makes me extremely frustrated, which makes it worse, which turns it into a cycle. And that was my week. I know that we should always try to find something good even in the worst of situations so I will do a list of some favorites from this week. Just know that I am digging really, really deep.
- On Sunday, I bought a great pair of warm black leggings for 3,99€;
- On Wednesday, I was full of energy and worked for 12 hours straight. At night I felt really tired but also really good because I was so productive;
- The weather has been kind of nasty and rainy here, but I’m the kind of person who likes that. I love rain. It’s also really cool because we live about 10 minutes from the ocean and when we have wind we can hear the waves from our house; They were really high this week so one night we even went out to see them and the ocean looked beautiful;
- I finished one of my courses with really good average: 15 in 20. I was really happy about that;
- I got a recommendation for a new psychiatrist that is supposed to be great and really sweet (I talked to her on the phone and she actually was) and was able to schedule an appointment for next Thursday;
- I got to do a little (just a little) of crochet and work on the blanket that I am making. I will be working on it for the next five years but it’s coming out great.
- I tried to get an appointment with a family doctor, which I should have but I don’t, because there aren’t enough doctors for everyone. The not so nice lady that answered the phone told me that the month of February was already full, despite the fact that is was only the second day of the month. Can’t even get a doctor in this country.
- I called to get an appointment with my psychiatrist because I need some prescriptions and he will be out next week, which is shit because I’m running out of medication.
- My friends 4 best friends (yes, I have 4) are going out together on Sunday and I can’t go because I’m behind on lots of things and need to work on a lot of stuff before my semester begins, on the 13th. It’s also too far for me anytime that we go out and also very expensive in terms of transportation. Sorry girls.
- My house is a real mess, just like myself. Ha!
Anyway, I’m determined to make next week a better one. I just hope to have some cooperation from the part of me that I cannot control.